![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yui_miyamotoFandom: Hikaru no Go
Title: Inside and out.
Pairing: Akira x Hikaru
Rating: pg-13
Description: Akira is having the hardest time waking up. Is it Hikaru's fault? (Partly.)
Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own Hikaru no Go.
Inside and out.
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 4 - Subete ga hoshii... (I want everything.)
A chill ran through me as a familiar feeling settled between us.
It was similar to the time in which I told him there was someone inside of him. As absurd as it sounded, I knew that there were two Shindous residing in that body of his. That was the only way I could describe it.
I didn't know why I felt that at that particular moment, but it wouldn't go away. Like a sting left by a wet whip.
The marks will appear later, won't they?
The rain fell harder outside and the gloomy feeling permeated even more into my apartment.
"Hikaru?” I said again as I held his face, which was growing a bit cold.
He then smiled at me, turning to kiss me on the lips.
Hikaru didn't answer anything as he said in an enthusiastic voice, "We'd better go to our matches!"
With that, he took my plate and began to fix up the kitchen.
"You can clean this up later." I got up from my chair. "We can clean it up together."
Why are you acting so strange? Was it because I accused you of being Sai once?
What are you thinking?
This was the Hikaru that I couldn't understand. The “other” one that kept his distance from me.
The one that stood in front of me as if he knew me. His eyes would look at me so lovingly, but within his own perimeters. I thought that this happened only when we played against one another, but it’d turned into something much, much more painful.
This Hikaru kept me in the dark. And I was at a loss on what to do.
My defenses were no match for it. I wasn't the confident Akira he knew whenever he did that too.
I wonder if you’ve ever noticed, considering the fact that I’m only responsive to you and so indifferent to the rest of the world, unless it involves Go.
"I made the mess so I'll do it. You go take a shower."
Then, a spark came to his eye as he tried to change the subject, pulling my waistband to come towards him. "Unless..."
"Shindou! I'm going to shower!" My face instantly burned to my ears.
He let go of my pants and continued to smirk at me. "Aki, you're so fun to tease. I love it when you're mad."
"Hmph." I sharply turned around with my braid hitting my right side.
Completely off-guard, he grabbed me, caught my waist, and gave me a single kiss on my neck.
"Please try to understand," he said with a tired, pleading tone.
"I'm trying to," I answered him. "You know I'm always trying so hard."
He grabbed me harder and closed his eyes tightly. "I know you do, Aki."
He let go and began to clean the kitchen while I took my shower. I shook my head as the water poured all over my body.
"Please try to understand."
His voice was like that whenever he felt trapped. Just like the time he gave up Go for a while.
You always tell me that I should explain more. But you never explain enough to me, Hikaru.
I don't know where to start or where to end.
We keep on playing Go, trying to battle one another with all our might and saving what territories we can. But that's how we’ve always been.
I’m trying to share myself with you.
Trying to make you understand the thoughts and feelings that had been suffocating me. Except, as open as you are, you’re dense. Sometimes, you deny it. At other times, you know exactly what’s going on.
In the end, the smiling Shindou and the one battling me are two different people.
That’s the conclusion I’ve come to.
But somehow, after all this time, they’re not coming together.
I still haven't figured it out: Who was the 'old' Shindou? And who was the person in front of me?
Sometimes, I thought I did. At other times, I just didn't know.
I wonder…
…do you feel the same about things regarding me?
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
We walked over to take the subway over to the Go Institute today. As inconvenient as it was to have an apartment quite a distance away, this was better for us. I could move freely in an apartment that wasn't near the Institute.
After all, how was I supposed to explain Hikaru's presence there every single day? He practically came over everyday for every possible reason that he could get away with. Tutoring with school because I wouldn't let him depend totally on Go, practice sessions, etc.
I enjoyed every moment of it though.
He never failed to make me mad everyday too, but he also knew what buttons to push to make me calm all over again.
It was really crowded today on the subway because of rush hour. I was pushed against the door and Hikaru stood in front of me. With a deadpan look, he gave me a wide grin as his arms were positioned to “protect me from every possible harm”.
Eye to eye, we exchanged an unspoken dialogue of:
"You don't have to always do this, you know…"
"But what if someone other than myself molests you?"
"I'm a boy, damn it."
"That's what I know, but it's not what everyone else sees. Especially with that braid of yours."
"Aren't you going a bit too far with this, Shindou?" I put my right hand over my eyes in exasperation. Then, I took it off.
With a matter-of-fact expression, he responded with a single word, "Mine."
"So childish."
He retorted, "Then who was the one who chased after me in sixth grade saying 'Shindou! Shindou!'?”
Turning red with embarrassment yet again, I shouted back, "And who was the one who said, 'If you keep chasing my illusion, someday I'll pass you?'"
Hikaru was about to open his mouth, but then stopped himself. Blinking at me, in a second, his whole atmosphere changed. "If you don't want me to do things, just tell me, Touya."
I’d almost forgotten we were using public transportation with other people being irritated by our voices. I was only reminded when he used my family name.
I have such a one-track mind, especially with you...
I tried to protest, "I never said that-"
I didn't get to finish as he pulled my sleeve while we got off at our stop.
"Why are you mad?" I asked him while he continued to silently walk ahead of me, still holding onto my blouse.
He shook his head. "Sorry…I was just thinking about stuff..."
I patted his back as we continued to walk. "Whatever you need to say to me, I can wait."
That was all I could say.
That was what I felt was most appropriate for me to say to him...
I didn't know why, but he would occasionally get upset whenever I would refer to our younger selves, chasing after one another as if there were no other people on Earth.
We passed by Ogata-sensei as we headed to the elevator. With a bow, we both greeted, "Ohayou gozaimasu,".
He nodded slightly. "I wonder what type of games you two will present today. Good luck."
"Thank you," we replied and proceeded to the elevator.
When the doors closed, Hikaru pulled my collar and kissed me. "For good luck. I'll need lots of it today."
With bittersweetness in his tone and eyes, he let go of my collar.
In that moment, I pulled his shirt and gave him a kiss mark on his collarbone. With my eyes ready for the battle on the Go board, I smirked. "Here's more luck then."
Letting go of his shirt, I patted the area to cover it.
Hikaru licked his lips. "Now, why can't you be like this all the time?"
"It's more fun this way," I teased. "You're not the only one who knows a few tricks."
"So I haven't seen everything yet, Aki?" He bit his lower lip.
I shook my head with a triumphant smile. "No, you haven't, Shindou..."
Ding!
The elevator doors opened and we didn't say anything more.
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
"You sure you don't want to go with us and get ramen?" Waya-san asked Hikaru. "I know it's your favorite!"
Hikaru blinked at him as Izumi shook his head. "You're awful, Waya. You know he has to go home."
Waya laughed as he waved goodbye along with Izumi. "Okay, we're going out next week!"
"Yeah!" Hikaru said as he stood beside me. I just smiled at them politely.
Then, as we turned around, I looked at Hikaru with a deadpan face to sarcastically say, "'Home', huh? You're such a bad liar."
"Coming from the person who's so honest he blushes when he's lying."
"That's beside the point," I snapped back.
"I was motivated with this!" He pulled on his shirt to proudly display (and point to) the mark of my kiss.
Looking around, I panicked. "Baka!"
He let go of his shirt as we headed back. "Is it really so wrong?"
By the tone of his voice, I knew he was also troubled by this. It was as if half of his question was directed at himself rather than fully at me.
"It's not wrong," I told him. "It's just that I don't want other people mixing into our personal business."
"Am I trouble for you, Aki?" he questioned almost in a whisper.
I stopped walking as I looked at him worriedly. "Where'd this come from?"
He looked back with troubled eyes.
I hate this look.
It’s the same one from this morning...
"Of course, you aren't!" I said in frustration. "If I was, do you think I would have tried all these years to be with you?"
"Then why do you always give me this look as if I've done something wrong?" He pinched my cuff and swung from side to side. "Why are you always worrying?"
I looked up to the sky. It was still gray with anguish, paralleling my feelings for the day.
"It's not you. It's me."
You had noticed after all.
Maybe I’ve been careless with my relaxed attitude when I’m near you,
but why aren't you saying anything, Hikaru?
"I don't want to go anywhere where you can't follow, but I don't think that can happen because I always look back." I cupped my hand over his and squeezed it. "I fear the day that you'll be too far for me to reach."
"Aki..."
I smiled as my fingers caressed the top of his hand. Then, I pulled his wrist. In a low voice, I said, "We'd better head home. I can't stand looking at you and not being able to touch you."
"H-hai..."
We walked to the station silently with me tugging on his sleeve firmly.
I can't stand it when you’re so close.
I won't stand never being able to touch you the way I want to…
But then again, if I had my way, I'd suffocate myself and you.
I have to hold myself back or else you wouldn't be able to breathe.
I’m already losing my ability to breathe normally...
I’ve been holding my breath for a long time now, Hikaru.
Waiting.
Always waiting is very difficult...
I want you so much.
Everything. I have to have everything.
But you aren't ready to give me that yet.
Tsuzuku... (To be continued…)
--
Author's note: AH~! They are SO KAWAII~! It's so hard to keep them both in character and balanced. They complement one another very well, and I'm glad to find that happy medium between them.
I know it seems dragged out, but little by little, I'm trying to build it. I'm trying to show the different facades they show to one another as well as how each one pursues the other.
Never a dull moment in my opinion! (I can't believe things sounded so sexual here. *sweatdrop*)
To Green Eyes-san, oh, no it isn't you. It was me. *bows humbly* I thought I had failed in some way. I know I'm not good with explanations, but please be patient with me. *hopeful smile*
Title: Inside and out.
Pairing: Akira x Hikaru
Rating: pg-13
Description: Akira is having the hardest time waking up. Is it Hikaru's fault? (Partly.)
Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own Hikaru no Go.
Inside and out.
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 4 - Subete ga hoshii... (I want everything.)
A chill ran through me as a familiar feeling settled between us.
It was similar to the time in which I told him there was someone inside of him. As absurd as it sounded, I knew that there were two Shindous residing in that body of his. That was the only way I could describe it.
I didn't know why I felt that at that particular moment, but it wouldn't go away. Like a sting left by a wet whip.
The marks will appear later, won't they?
The rain fell harder outside and the gloomy feeling permeated even more into my apartment.
"Hikaru?” I said again as I held his face, which was growing a bit cold.
He then smiled at me, turning to kiss me on the lips.
Hikaru didn't answer anything as he said in an enthusiastic voice, "We'd better go to our matches!"
With that, he took my plate and began to fix up the kitchen.
"You can clean this up later." I got up from my chair. "We can clean it up together."
Why are you acting so strange? Was it because I accused you of being Sai once?
What are you thinking?
This was the Hikaru that I couldn't understand. The “other” one that kept his distance from me.
The one that stood in front of me as if he knew me. His eyes would look at me so lovingly, but within his own perimeters. I thought that this happened only when we played against one another, but it’d turned into something much, much more painful.
This Hikaru kept me in the dark. And I was at a loss on what to do.
My defenses were no match for it. I wasn't the confident Akira he knew whenever he did that too.
I wonder if you’ve ever noticed, considering the fact that I’m only responsive to you and so indifferent to the rest of the world, unless it involves Go.
"I made the mess so I'll do it. You go take a shower."
Then, a spark came to his eye as he tried to change the subject, pulling my waistband to come towards him. "Unless..."
"Shindou! I'm going to shower!" My face instantly burned to my ears.
He let go of my pants and continued to smirk at me. "Aki, you're so fun to tease. I love it when you're mad."
"Hmph." I sharply turned around with my braid hitting my right side.
Completely off-guard, he grabbed me, caught my waist, and gave me a single kiss on my neck.
"Please try to understand," he said with a tired, pleading tone.
"I'm trying to," I answered him. "You know I'm always trying so hard."
He grabbed me harder and closed his eyes tightly. "I know you do, Aki."
He let go and began to clean the kitchen while I took my shower. I shook my head as the water poured all over my body.
"Please try to understand."
His voice was like that whenever he felt trapped. Just like the time he gave up Go for a while.
You always tell me that I should explain more. But you never explain enough to me, Hikaru.
I don't know where to start or where to end.
We keep on playing Go, trying to battle one another with all our might and saving what territories we can. But that's how we’ve always been.
I’m trying to share myself with you.
Trying to make you understand the thoughts and feelings that had been suffocating me. Except, as open as you are, you’re dense. Sometimes, you deny it. At other times, you know exactly what’s going on.
In the end, the smiling Shindou and the one battling me are two different people.
That’s the conclusion I’ve come to.
But somehow, after all this time, they’re not coming together.
I still haven't figured it out: Who was the 'old' Shindou? And who was the person in front of me?
Sometimes, I thought I did. At other times, I just didn't know.
I wonder…
…do you feel the same about things regarding me?
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
We walked over to take the subway over to the Go Institute today. As inconvenient as it was to have an apartment quite a distance away, this was better for us. I could move freely in an apartment that wasn't near the Institute.
After all, how was I supposed to explain Hikaru's presence there every single day? He practically came over everyday for every possible reason that he could get away with. Tutoring with school because I wouldn't let him depend totally on Go, practice sessions, etc.
I enjoyed every moment of it though.
He never failed to make me mad everyday too, but he also knew what buttons to push to make me calm all over again.
It was really crowded today on the subway because of rush hour. I was pushed against the door and Hikaru stood in front of me. With a deadpan look, he gave me a wide grin as his arms were positioned to “protect me from every possible harm”.
Eye to eye, we exchanged an unspoken dialogue of:
"You don't have to always do this, you know…"
"But what if someone other than myself molests you?"
"I'm a boy, damn it."
"That's what I know, but it's not what everyone else sees. Especially with that braid of yours."
"Aren't you going a bit too far with this, Shindou?" I put my right hand over my eyes in exasperation. Then, I took it off.
With a matter-of-fact expression, he responded with a single word, "Mine."
"So childish."
He retorted, "Then who was the one who chased after me in sixth grade saying 'Shindou! Shindou!'?”
Turning red with embarrassment yet again, I shouted back, "And who was the one who said, 'If you keep chasing my illusion, someday I'll pass you?'"
Hikaru was about to open his mouth, but then stopped himself. Blinking at me, in a second, his whole atmosphere changed. "If you don't want me to do things, just tell me, Touya."
I’d almost forgotten we were using public transportation with other people being irritated by our voices. I was only reminded when he used my family name.
I have such a one-track mind, especially with you...
I tried to protest, "I never said that-"
I didn't get to finish as he pulled my sleeve while we got off at our stop.
"Why are you mad?" I asked him while he continued to silently walk ahead of me, still holding onto my blouse.
He shook his head. "Sorry…I was just thinking about stuff..."
I patted his back as we continued to walk. "Whatever you need to say to me, I can wait."
That was all I could say.
That was what I felt was most appropriate for me to say to him...
I didn't know why, but he would occasionally get upset whenever I would refer to our younger selves, chasing after one another as if there were no other people on Earth.
We passed by Ogata-sensei as we headed to the elevator. With a bow, we both greeted, "Ohayou gozaimasu,".
He nodded slightly. "I wonder what type of games you two will present today. Good luck."
"Thank you," we replied and proceeded to the elevator.
When the doors closed, Hikaru pulled my collar and kissed me. "For good luck. I'll need lots of it today."
With bittersweetness in his tone and eyes, he let go of my collar.
In that moment, I pulled his shirt and gave him a kiss mark on his collarbone. With my eyes ready for the battle on the Go board, I smirked. "Here's more luck then."
Letting go of his shirt, I patted the area to cover it.
Hikaru licked his lips. "Now, why can't you be like this all the time?"
"It's more fun this way," I teased. "You're not the only one who knows a few tricks."
"So I haven't seen everything yet, Aki?" He bit his lower lip.
I shook my head with a triumphant smile. "No, you haven't, Shindou..."
Ding!
The elevator doors opened and we didn't say anything more.
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
"You sure you don't want to go with us and get ramen?" Waya-san asked Hikaru. "I know it's your favorite!"
Hikaru blinked at him as Izumi shook his head. "You're awful, Waya. You know he has to go home."
Waya laughed as he waved goodbye along with Izumi. "Okay, we're going out next week!"
"Yeah!" Hikaru said as he stood beside me. I just smiled at them politely.
Then, as we turned around, I looked at Hikaru with a deadpan face to sarcastically say, "'Home', huh? You're such a bad liar."
"Coming from the person who's so honest he blushes when he's lying."
"That's beside the point," I snapped back.
"I was motivated with this!" He pulled on his shirt to proudly display (and point to) the mark of my kiss.
Looking around, I panicked. "Baka!"
He let go of his shirt as we headed back. "Is it really so wrong?"
By the tone of his voice, I knew he was also troubled by this. It was as if half of his question was directed at himself rather than fully at me.
"It's not wrong," I told him. "It's just that I don't want other people mixing into our personal business."
"Am I trouble for you, Aki?" he questioned almost in a whisper.
I stopped walking as I looked at him worriedly. "Where'd this come from?"
He looked back with troubled eyes.
I hate this look.
It’s the same one from this morning...
"Of course, you aren't!" I said in frustration. "If I was, do you think I would have tried all these years to be with you?"
"Then why do you always give me this look as if I've done something wrong?" He pinched my cuff and swung from side to side. "Why are you always worrying?"
I looked up to the sky. It was still gray with anguish, paralleling my feelings for the day.
"It's not you. It's me."
You had noticed after all.
Maybe I’ve been careless with my relaxed attitude when I’m near you,
but why aren't you saying anything, Hikaru?
"I don't want to go anywhere where you can't follow, but I don't think that can happen because I always look back." I cupped my hand over his and squeezed it. "I fear the day that you'll be too far for me to reach."
"Aki..."
I smiled as my fingers caressed the top of his hand. Then, I pulled his wrist. In a low voice, I said, "We'd better head home. I can't stand looking at you and not being able to touch you."
"H-hai..."
We walked to the station silently with me tugging on his sleeve firmly.
I can't stand it when you’re so close.
I won't stand never being able to touch you the way I want to…
But then again, if I had my way, I'd suffocate myself and you.
I have to hold myself back or else you wouldn't be able to breathe.
I’m already losing my ability to breathe normally...
I’ve been holding my breath for a long time now, Hikaru.
Waiting.
Always waiting is very difficult...
I want you so much.
Everything. I have to have everything.
But you aren't ready to give me that yet.
Tsuzuku... (To be continued…)
--
Author's note: AH~! They are SO KAWAII~! It's so hard to keep them both in character and balanced. They complement one another very well, and I'm glad to find that happy medium between them.
I know it seems dragged out, but little by little, I'm trying to build it. I'm trying to show the different facades they show to one another as well as how each one pursues the other.
Never a dull moment in my opinion! (I can't believe things sounded so sexual here. *sweatdrop*)
To Green Eyes-san, oh, no it isn't you. It was me. *bows humbly* I thought I had failed in some way. I know I'm not good with explanations, but please be patient with me. *hopeful smile*
