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yui_miyamotoFandom: Hikaru no Go
Title: Inside and out.
Pairing: Akira x Hikaru
Rating: pg-13
Description: Akira is having the hardest time waking up. Is it Hikaru's fault? (Partly.)
Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go isn't Yui's.
Inside and out.
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 5 - Endure it again.
It was hard to stand silently in the subway. And like the time that I had challenged him, I absentmindedly observed the window.
Hikaru, who was behind me despite the fact that it wasn't too crowded, was too stubborn for me to fend off. He viewed my reflection and I watched him through his.
Touching the window, I almost lost myself in thought.
My fingers traced the impression of his cheeks, but the window was so cold. It was frigid.
Two Shindous...
There's someone else inside of you...
I knew because this person tried their hardest to hide from me.
At this thought, I took my hand away and my eyes focused on the groves under the doors.
How could you not feel someone while you're touching them? Wasn't that weird?
And yet with him, it made perfect sense.
Hikaru never made sense to me, anyway.
He was just Hikaru. Shindou Hikaru.
My rival and the one that I loved.
And yet, there was that wall between us.
I didn't know if I’d created it nor did I know if he’d put it up first. We somehow built it up against each other, but I didn't know what to do with it anymore. It seemed like the years solidified its existence within our relationship.
There are countless times Hikaru would be smiling at me, but appeared distraught as if he were remembering something too. It was strange because it was unlike any other melancholic smile he ever gave.
A silent one that fought hard against himself.
Sometimes, I wondered if it was my fault. Did I do anything for him to feel this way?
Maybe...
Maybe I wanted too much from him.
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
When we got back, I went to the bedroom to change. I was so used to him being around that I never closed the door anymore. I didn't even go to the bathroom like the first few nights he’d spent with me. Instead, I went to the closet and undressed.
Behind me, I heard Hikaru step into the room, but he stopped walking. While putting on my sweatpants (a habit I had picked up from him because I never used to wear such things unless the school required me to), I turned my head to glance at him leaning on the wall with crossed arms.
He eyed me hungrily.
I said nothing and faced him as I pulled on my shirt. I didn't question him because I was just as guilty.
I knew exactly what I was doing.
It was my insecurity, I guess.
He plopped on the bed and heaved a loud sigh. "I'm so tired."
"Don't you need to go home soon?" I thumbed the hem of my shirt.
"Yes, but it won't really matter. My parents know I'm with you and they trust you completely. So I'm home free."
He looked up to the ceiling as I went to the foot of the bed and I crawled over him. Taking out the band of my braid, my hair fell onto the bed and touched his arms.
I seductively smiled and tilted my head. "They shouldn't trust me so much. Especially with you."
He winked up at me, placing his hands on my cheeks to pull me towards him. "But I trust you completely."
I leaned down to kiss him and put my head on his chest. In turn, he put his right hand over his head while his left arm held me tightly.
I closed my eyes.
Who are you, Hikaru?
I've touched you. I've kissed you. I've talked to you.
But I still didn't know.
"Sai..." Hikaru mumbled to himself and then sighed.
There was a brief pause.
"Aki?"
"Hmm?" I was almost falling asleep because I was very comfortable.
"If you have that kind of dream again, will you tell me about it?" he asked with a hesitant tone.
"Yes, of course."
Just as long as it wasn't true...
That you weren't going to be with me...
That you were gone.
"Okay." He ran fingers through my hair. "Was that why you were so worried? The dream?"
"Well, that and the fact that you didn't talk to me for about a minute when I first told you."
"It...was a shock."
"Why would it be?"
"Because...well..." he then trailed off.
I opened my eyes and patted the area over his heart. "Just tell me."
Something told me, like years ago, that I shouldn't have opened Pandora's Box. I should’ve just let things be and when the time came, they’d be revealed without such force or effort.
I believed that patience was all I needed.
There was a long silence, and I somewhat regretted bringing up the dream in the first place.
"Sai was my friend."
"What?" I suddenly got up and looked down at him. "But you said to Ogata-sensei that you didn't know anything. And Father said you didn't have anything to do with him."
"I lied, Aki." His eyes looked away before turning his head to one side.
Stunned, I stared into his profile and took a deep breath. A million questions bombarded my brain all at once. Half of me was prepared for this because that's what I had thought, but the other half trusted Hikaru. I didn't want to doubt him.
My hands took a strong hold of the sheets.
In a flash, that invisible wall pushed me even farther away from him.
I felt like my heart was gradually stiffening. I stopped breathing for a moment.
"Why did you lie to me, Shindou?" My fingers held onto the white sheets even more, but I couldn’t feel them.
He didn't say anything.
He didn't move or blink. Hikaru remained motionless.
"Shindou! Tell me why did you lie to me!"
After all these years...
If there was anyone in the world I trusted, it was you, Hikaru. You were the only one who would stand up to me with confident eyes and a clear conscience.
Slowly, he turned his head to look straight at me, holding back his tears.
I damned my own.
They were falling onto his cheeks as I hung my head in defeat.
"Why won't you ever tell me everything?" I sobbed, gritting my teeth in pain. My heart cringed more and more.
I couldn't stand looking at him that way, but I was hit with my own humanly constraints.
Because I looked indifferently at almost everything, whenever I felt something, it was always too extreme.
"I keep on finding puzzle pieces, but they never connect, Hikaru," I kept my eyes shut, unable to look at him.
When I finally opened my eyes, they were as blurry as ever. "I never see the whole picture. I never see the whole you."
At that moment, I lost my grip. My body hit its limit and I couldn't control it any longer. I fell forward and whispered, "You won't...let me...Hikaru...Why?"
When I dropped onto his warm chest, I faded out of consciousness.
All I could hear was a tortured murmur. "I'm sorry, Aki! I'm sorry..."
Before totally shutting down, I thought,
"It's not your fault. I'm just so weak when it comes to you…
The world could have been messed up, but as long as you were there, Hikaru, I could endure it.
But what would happen if I couldn't have you?
I don't know...
I really don't know.
I didn't want to endure it alone all over again..."
Tsuzuku... / To be continued...
--
Author's note: Wow, we've come to a pretty heavy scene, haven't we? I was dying in the end, forgetting to breathe. I had to stop typing for a moment because I was so caught up with the story. Trying to understand things through Akira's eyes is quite troublesome. He's eighteen in this story, but being consistent to the series, he's always so much more mature than other people his age.
In my opinion, this is one of the gaps that keep Hikaru and him apart. They're equal in talent in Go, but not in mentality. I'm trying to build Hikaru's character to get to Akira while I'm trying to build Akira to get to Hikaru at the same time. They each have their strengths and weaknesses that only can be revealed the more they are together.
Title: Inside and out.
Pairing: Akira x Hikaru
Rating: pg-13
Description: Akira is having the hardest time waking up. Is it Hikaru's fault? (Partly.)
Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go isn't Yui's.
Inside and out.
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 5 - Endure it again.
It was hard to stand silently in the subway. And like the time that I had challenged him, I absentmindedly observed the window.
Hikaru, who was behind me despite the fact that it wasn't too crowded, was too stubborn for me to fend off. He viewed my reflection and I watched him through his.
Touching the window, I almost lost myself in thought.
My fingers traced the impression of his cheeks, but the window was so cold. It was frigid.
Two Shindous...
There's someone else inside of you...
I knew because this person tried their hardest to hide from me.
At this thought, I took my hand away and my eyes focused on the groves under the doors.
How could you not feel someone while you're touching them? Wasn't that weird?
And yet with him, it made perfect sense.
Hikaru never made sense to me, anyway.
He was just Hikaru. Shindou Hikaru.
My rival and the one that I loved.
And yet, there was that wall between us.
I didn't know if I’d created it nor did I know if he’d put it up first. We somehow built it up against each other, but I didn't know what to do with it anymore. It seemed like the years solidified its existence within our relationship.
There are countless times Hikaru would be smiling at me, but appeared distraught as if he were remembering something too. It was strange because it was unlike any other melancholic smile he ever gave.
A silent one that fought hard against himself.
Sometimes, I wondered if it was my fault. Did I do anything for him to feel this way?
Maybe...
Maybe I wanted too much from him.
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
When we got back, I went to the bedroom to change. I was so used to him being around that I never closed the door anymore. I didn't even go to the bathroom like the first few nights he’d spent with me. Instead, I went to the closet and undressed.
Behind me, I heard Hikaru step into the room, but he stopped walking. While putting on my sweatpants (a habit I had picked up from him because I never used to wear such things unless the school required me to), I turned my head to glance at him leaning on the wall with crossed arms.
He eyed me hungrily.
I said nothing and faced him as I pulled on my shirt. I didn't question him because I was just as guilty.
I knew exactly what I was doing.
It was my insecurity, I guess.
He plopped on the bed and heaved a loud sigh. "I'm so tired."
"Don't you need to go home soon?" I thumbed the hem of my shirt.
"Yes, but it won't really matter. My parents know I'm with you and they trust you completely. So I'm home free."
He looked up to the ceiling as I went to the foot of the bed and I crawled over him. Taking out the band of my braid, my hair fell onto the bed and touched his arms.
I seductively smiled and tilted my head. "They shouldn't trust me so much. Especially with you."
He winked up at me, placing his hands on my cheeks to pull me towards him. "But I trust you completely."
I leaned down to kiss him and put my head on his chest. In turn, he put his right hand over his head while his left arm held me tightly.
I closed my eyes.
Who are you, Hikaru?
I've touched you. I've kissed you. I've talked to you.
But I still didn't know.
"Sai..." Hikaru mumbled to himself and then sighed.
There was a brief pause.
"Aki?"
"Hmm?" I was almost falling asleep because I was very comfortable.
"If you have that kind of dream again, will you tell me about it?" he asked with a hesitant tone.
"Yes, of course."
Just as long as it wasn't true...
That you weren't going to be with me...
That you were gone.
"Okay." He ran fingers through my hair. "Was that why you were so worried? The dream?"
"Well, that and the fact that you didn't talk to me for about a minute when I first told you."
"It...was a shock."
"Why would it be?"
"Because...well..." he then trailed off.
I opened my eyes and patted the area over his heart. "Just tell me."
Something told me, like years ago, that I shouldn't have opened Pandora's Box. I should’ve just let things be and when the time came, they’d be revealed without such force or effort.
I believed that patience was all I needed.
There was a long silence, and I somewhat regretted bringing up the dream in the first place.
"Sai was my friend."
"What?" I suddenly got up and looked down at him. "But you said to Ogata-sensei that you didn't know anything. And Father said you didn't have anything to do with him."
"I lied, Aki." His eyes looked away before turning his head to one side.
Stunned, I stared into his profile and took a deep breath. A million questions bombarded my brain all at once. Half of me was prepared for this because that's what I had thought, but the other half trusted Hikaru. I didn't want to doubt him.
My hands took a strong hold of the sheets.
In a flash, that invisible wall pushed me even farther away from him.
I felt like my heart was gradually stiffening. I stopped breathing for a moment.
"Why did you lie to me, Shindou?" My fingers held onto the white sheets even more, but I couldn’t feel them.
He didn't say anything.
He didn't move or blink. Hikaru remained motionless.
"Shindou! Tell me why did you lie to me!"
After all these years...
If there was anyone in the world I trusted, it was you, Hikaru. You were the only one who would stand up to me with confident eyes and a clear conscience.
Slowly, he turned his head to look straight at me, holding back his tears.
I damned my own.
They were falling onto his cheeks as I hung my head in defeat.
"Why won't you ever tell me everything?" I sobbed, gritting my teeth in pain. My heart cringed more and more.
I couldn't stand looking at him that way, but I was hit with my own humanly constraints.
Because I looked indifferently at almost everything, whenever I felt something, it was always too extreme.
"I keep on finding puzzle pieces, but they never connect, Hikaru," I kept my eyes shut, unable to look at him.
When I finally opened my eyes, they were as blurry as ever. "I never see the whole picture. I never see the whole you."
At that moment, I lost my grip. My body hit its limit and I couldn't control it any longer. I fell forward and whispered, "You won't...let me...Hikaru...Why?"
When I dropped onto his warm chest, I faded out of consciousness.
All I could hear was a tortured murmur. "I'm sorry, Aki! I'm sorry..."
Before totally shutting down, I thought,
"It's not your fault. I'm just so weak when it comes to you…
The world could have been messed up, but as long as you were there, Hikaru, I could endure it.
But what would happen if I couldn't have you?
I don't know...
I really don't know.
I didn't want to endure it alone all over again..."
Tsuzuku... / To be continued...
--
Author's note: Wow, we've come to a pretty heavy scene, haven't we? I was dying in the end, forgetting to breathe. I had to stop typing for a moment because I was so caught up with the story. Trying to understand things through Akira's eyes is quite troublesome. He's eighteen in this story, but being consistent to the series, he's always so much more mature than other people his age.
In my opinion, this is one of the gaps that keep Hikaru and him apart. They're equal in talent in Go, but not in mentality. I'm trying to build Hikaru's character to get to Akira while I'm trying to build Akira to get to Hikaru at the same time. They each have their strengths and weaknesses that only can be revealed the more they are together.
