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yui_miyamotoFandom: Hikaru no Go
Title: Inside and out.
Pairing: Akira x Hikaru
Rating: pg-13
Description: Akira is having the hardest time waking up. Is it Hikaru's fault? (Partly.)
Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own Hikaru no Go.
Inside and out.
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 6 - the only way.
Surrounded by a muffle of voices, I blinked, but was too tired to get up. Someone was shouting outside of my door.
It was more of a murmur if anything else. I couldn't really make out the words as I struggled to open my eyes again to the blurry world. Facing a wall, my eyes tried to focus on the wall before me, but I kept on hearing the soft rumbling outside my door.
Something told me not to ignore it.
"Hikaru..." I mumbled while turning to one side, facing the large window in my room. I sleepily made out the figure of Maya sitting in a chair. With a relieved face, she greeted, "Oujisama! I'm so happy you're awake!"
"Hmm?" I was a bit confused, still disoriented as to where I truly was.
Everything ‘here’ feels so real too…
"You became very sick and slept off and on for days!" Maya exclaimed as she came over to me, sighing in relief. "I shall call your parents and tell them the wonderful news!"
"Wait. Why did I get sick?"
"Fatigue," she simply replied with a calm face. "You thought too much."
I wasn't convinced, but I was going to let the subject drop for the moment.
"I woke up because of the noise outside my door." I sat up and leaned on the wall behind me to support my back. I was still feeling a bit nauseous.
"Ari-san is taking care of the problem," she said with a frown.
Then, I heard Hikaru's voice.
"I must see the prince!"
"Hikaru!" I instantly panicked. "Bring him to me at once!"
"Oujisama..." Maya was curiously being hesitant. "There is no Hikaru-sama."
Why did she suddenly look like she knew what was truly going on?
"Bring Sai to me. NOW," I ordered with a sharp tongue. "Don't question me."
With a worried look, she bit her lip as she nodded her head. "H-hai, Oujisama."
As she opened the door, Sai broke free of Ari's grip and he ran towards my bed. When he collapsed to the floor, he formally bowed to the ground. Maya and Ari were amazed at the sudden change in his attitude.
I continued to look at him in astonishment. Inside, I was in pieces.
You look so much like Hikaru, it’s uncanny.
"Why are you disturbing everyone in this household?" My eyes wouldn’t stop staring at him.
"I came here to apply to be your Go tutor, Oujisama." He then lifted up his head and looked directly at me, something other people never thought of doing. "They wouldn't let me apply because I'm a kid, but I'm just as good as they are."
"You?" I laughed. "You really want to become my Go tutor?"
Holding a determined face, Sai replied, "Yes, very much."
"Why?" I crossed my arms, regarding him skeptically.
"I have to," he firmly answered without blinking.
Those eyes looked through me. They didn't relent and nor were they repentant. I wanted to look deeply at them, almost crazy enough to tell him to lie and tell me he was Hikaru himself.
I’m missing a part of myself.
"I will not accept your application." I averted my head away from his direction so that I wouldn't have to suffer his gaze.
Sai opened his lips slightly like the way Hikaru did whenever he had something very deep to say, but he closed his lips again. He wasn't budging at all.
Such a stubborn boy. How predictable.
I smiled as I shook my head.
At this, I saw Maya and Ari commented between one another.
"Play me here and now, Sai-san." I told him as I turned back to face him while a smile came to his lips. "But if you fail, you must become my servant."
Either way, I’m going to have you near me...
Even if you are a look-alike.
I was ashamed of myself for such a thought, but I’m weak too. I didn't want to fight it if it meant I could have some form of him here.
The hole inside of my heart grew a little bit bigger as the time passed...
"Please get one of the boards and bring it here," I asked Maya and Ari.
When we were alone, Sai knelt to the floor. "I'm sorry for causing you trouble. I'm also sorry about calling you a weirdo the other day."
I shook my head as I summed up all my thoughts into a single sentence. "I am glad you came."
Sai's head instantly shot up with a surprised look, but then, the curve on his lips became a little bit straighter. His eyes became slightly sorrowful as he watched me.
Even this look remained with this one.
I sighed inwardly.
They nodded and came back after a few minutes. Maya and Ari set up the board in one corner of the room. Maya helped me get out of bed as Ari told Sai to take a seat on one side of the Go board.
As we played, I was immediately entranced by the board.
The familiarity about this game gave me excitement, inspiration, and dread all at once.
I swear it feels the same like...
Instead of looking at the board, I found myself observing Sai.
I squinted in contemplation as I put my piece down. Then, I gasped.
This...this game!
I gawked slightly in awe.
His eyes met mine and he smiled quietly while nodding his head.
I didn't move and I didn't even bother picking up a Go stone.
"Oujisama?" He looked at me in concern. "Is there something wrong?"
Out of my mesmerized state, I shook my head in embarrassment. "No, nothing is wrong."
Get a grip on yourself, Akira! Why is your concentration so off today?
Even with Hikaru, Go was supposed to come first, as hard as it was.
I placed another stone onto the board.
If he placed it here then-
He did!
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap...
"A-arimasen," I bowed my head slightly, but even so, I didn't look away.
Dammit, Akira, why can't you take your eyes off this boy?!
Satisfied, he boy grinned at me. "Thank you for the game, Oujisama."
Then, like the charming person I knew, he leaned forward over the Go board. "Will you let me stay with you now?"
"Hey you!" Maya reprimanded. "Don't address the prince that way!"
But he wasn't listening at all. I wasn't either.
His hopeful eyes were making me melt. They’ve always captured me in some way.
Because he’d been so forward, he laughed and placed his hand behind his head. Sai blushed while still looking at me. In the next second, he glanced at the floor and then at me once more.
A smiled came to my lips. "Definitely."
That's the person I was drawn to. This bright person who pushed his way through me without a second thought. And before I knew it, I couldn't escape anymore.
I sent Ari and Maya out of the room. I didn't know if that was such a good idea placing myself before my own temptation. Also, I was sure that Ari and Maya were running to my parents to report on what was happening.
Regardless, I looked at Sai without discretion. He never seemed to keep his eyes off me too.
"Tell me why you are here." I put my hands in my lap and totally focused on his eyes without wavering.
They were so sure about something. I just didn't have any idea as to what exactly.
"I'm here because..." He closed his mouth and gulped. All the confidence he had slipped away like water.
A hush had come into the room as a breeze went through the window. The red windchime began to ring.
Sai grabbed onto his pants and his hands made tight fists over the fabric. "I'm here because you called to me."
It made no sense, but my heart felt warm all over. I was touched, but didn't know why.
Something inside me felt comforted and relieved. A place in which I had been holding my breath was released and was able to be free again.
"What do you mean, Sai-san?"
"Oujisama was crying before he fainted in my arms."
"I was?" I was perplexed. It seemed like the scene near the river and why I was in bed were coming together now.
He nodded as he continued with a pained voice, "Until you remember me, I cannot leave you."
"Remember you?"
He didn't say anymore.
The connecting pieces were breaking apart once more, but as I looked at him, he got up from his place. As he passed me, a sense of fear overcame me. My hand, by instinct, grabbed his.
But I pulled too hard.
He ended up falling into my arms, but he didn't move a centimeter, continuing to eye me with that piercing gaze. I couldn't read it, but I was truly enraptured by his eyes.
Without thinking, I reached out to touch his cheek, but he leaned up to whisper in my ear, "Akira, wake up. Please wake up."
"Hikaru?" I whispered.
What was happening?
Someone please tell me what's wrong.
I want to touch you, but something won't let me.
Why can't I ever fight this block that's between us? Wasn't I strong enough?
Sai got up and bowed. When our eyes met again, he looked straight into me. Though he held a smile, I felt like he was holding in his pain.
He turned to leave and I was left there looking behind him. So many things were running through my head.
Why did I call out to you? But why were you now answering that call?
Why...
Why couldn't I be strong for the both of us?
But who was really holding back? You or me?
At that moment, I realized that he was quietly calling me from the depths of my soul.
But the hole inside of my heart stretched even wider too...
Like the first time I had met Hikaru at my father's Go Salon so many years ago, I didn't care about the consequences. I was so sure that the deeper I got into this, I was going to tear myself apart by the end of it.
And I wouldn't mind at all.
If that was the only way I could reach deep inside of him...
I made my choice and I wanted him.
Whomever that was.
No one else.
So if anything was going to hurt me, I'd let it as long as it didn't hurt Hikaru in return.
For if it did, that would be the only way to break me so easily.
The only way to truly break my heart was for Hikaru to kill it himself.
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
Suddenly, I peered into the darkness before me. I found myself watching the ceiling above and gasping for air as tears rolled down the sides of my face.
Looking to my right, I found Hikaru sitting on a chair with his head leaning on his crossed arms.
"Hikaru..." I said out of breath, reaching out for his clenched fist and holding it weakly.
Yes, that was the only way.
Tsuzuku... / To be continued…
--
Author's notes: Okee, we're just going to keep on getting more and more complicated from here, so if anything's unclear, be sure to tell me! ^_^ I'll try my best to clarify it.
Mixing both the dream sequences and the 'rl' stuff, I'm trying to make a stream-of-consciousness type of effect. After all, my description on is really, really vague this time. And it will all make sense once I get to the end. (I took it from the perspective of Akira's monologues. He's so cute whenever he thinks too much, isn't he?!)
As to the comment about the last chapter, Hikaru didn't directly tell Akira that he wasn't related to Sai and nor did he say he was. But the Akira I've come to perceptualize (oh, I hope that I'm characterizing them correctly) is very passionate. As he was when he was 12 or 14, he gets worked up with anything to do with Hikaru. Akira may feel like he's been lied to rather than Hikaru telling him a directly. What I mean is that Akira may have interpreted this differently from the way Hikaru was trying to present it, but Hikaru shows in this fic that he is guilty. Akira sees this, and his wound deepens with the looks and Hikaru's words.
Hikaru hasn't told him all this time. It has been 3+ years in my story since the time that Hikaru told him that he'd tell him something, which through this story, he's still uncomfortable with revealing. Akira's been waiting for Hikaru to explain, but Hikaru's been as mysterious as the day they first met. So, he's frustrated.
I wanted to present that Akira's moods, feelings, and thoughts contrast one another. He tells Hikaru stuff, but not what really bothers him. Hikaru tells him stuff, but not answering the questions Akira wants to be answered.
Thank you FW-san, Lady Seishou-san, and Green Eyes-san for your encouragement! I am trying my best with these characters. T hey are a handful, but your support makes the process of writing MUCH easier for me.
^_^ Ah, Jamie-san! Thank you so much for the episodes! (I can't seem to thank you enough!) Enjoy this fic that's dedicated to you!
But to my muse, I always think of you whenever I write this fic.
Title: Inside and out.
Pairing: Akira x Hikaru
Rating: pg-13
Description: Akira is having the hardest time waking up. Is it Hikaru's fault? (Partly.)
Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own Hikaru no Go.
Inside and out.
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 6 - the only way.
Surrounded by a muffle of voices, I blinked, but was too tired to get up. Someone was shouting outside of my door.
It was more of a murmur if anything else. I couldn't really make out the words as I struggled to open my eyes again to the blurry world. Facing a wall, my eyes tried to focus on the wall before me, but I kept on hearing the soft rumbling outside my door.
Something told me not to ignore it.
"Hikaru..." I mumbled while turning to one side, facing the large window in my room. I sleepily made out the figure of Maya sitting in a chair. With a relieved face, she greeted, "Oujisama! I'm so happy you're awake!"
"Hmm?" I was a bit confused, still disoriented as to where I truly was.
Everything ‘here’ feels so real too…
"You became very sick and slept off and on for days!" Maya exclaimed as she came over to me, sighing in relief. "I shall call your parents and tell them the wonderful news!"
"Wait. Why did I get sick?"
"Fatigue," she simply replied with a calm face. "You thought too much."
I wasn't convinced, but I was going to let the subject drop for the moment.
"I woke up because of the noise outside my door." I sat up and leaned on the wall behind me to support my back. I was still feeling a bit nauseous.
"Ari-san is taking care of the problem," she said with a frown.
Then, I heard Hikaru's voice.
"I must see the prince!"
"Hikaru!" I instantly panicked. "Bring him to me at once!"
"Oujisama..." Maya was curiously being hesitant. "There is no Hikaru-sama."
Why did she suddenly look like she knew what was truly going on?
"Bring Sai to me. NOW," I ordered with a sharp tongue. "Don't question me."
With a worried look, she bit her lip as she nodded her head. "H-hai, Oujisama."
As she opened the door, Sai broke free of Ari's grip and he ran towards my bed. When he collapsed to the floor, he formally bowed to the ground. Maya and Ari were amazed at the sudden change in his attitude.
I continued to look at him in astonishment. Inside, I was in pieces.
You look so much like Hikaru, it’s uncanny.
"Why are you disturbing everyone in this household?" My eyes wouldn’t stop staring at him.
"I came here to apply to be your Go tutor, Oujisama." He then lifted up his head and looked directly at me, something other people never thought of doing. "They wouldn't let me apply because I'm a kid, but I'm just as good as they are."
"You?" I laughed. "You really want to become my Go tutor?"
Holding a determined face, Sai replied, "Yes, very much."
"Why?" I crossed my arms, regarding him skeptically.
"I have to," he firmly answered without blinking.
Those eyes looked through me. They didn't relent and nor were they repentant. I wanted to look deeply at them, almost crazy enough to tell him to lie and tell me he was Hikaru himself.
I’m missing a part of myself.
"I will not accept your application." I averted my head away from his direction so that I wouldn't have to suffer his gaze.
Sai opened his lips slightly like the way Hikaru did whenever he had something very deep to say, but he closed his lips again. He wasn't budging at all.
Such a stubborn boy. How predictable.
I smiled as I shook my head.
At this, I saw Maya and Ari commented between one another.
"Play me here and now, Sai-san." I told him as I turned back to face him while a smile came to his lips. "But if you fail, you must become my servant."
Either way, I’m going to have you near me...
Even if you are a look-alike.
I was ashamed of myself for such a thought, but I’m weak too. I didn't want to fight it if it meant I could have some form of him here.
The hole inside of my heart grew a little bit bigger as the time passed...
"Please get one of the boards and bring it here," I asked Maya and Ari.
When we were alone, Sai knelt to the floor. "I'm sorry for causing you trouble. I'm also sorry about calling you a weirdo the other day."
I shook my head as I summed up all my thoughts into a single sentence. "I am glad you came."
Sai's head instantly shot up with a surprised look, but then, the curve on his lips became a little bit straighter. His eyes became slightly sorrowful as he watched me.
Even this look remained with this one.
I sighed inwardly.
They nodded and came back after a few minutes. Maya and Ari set up the board in one corner of the room. Maya helped me get out of bed as Ari told Sai to take a seat on one side of the Go board.
As we played, I was immediately entranced by the board.
The familiarity about this game gave me excitement, inspiration, and dread all at once.
I swear it feels the same like...
Instead of looking at the board, I found myself observing Sai.
I squinted in contemplation as I put my piece down. Then, I gasped.
This...this game!
I gawked slightly in awe.
His eyes met mine and he smiled quietly while nodding his head.
I didn't move and I didn't even bother picking up a Go stone.
"Oujisama?" He looked at me in concern. "Is there something wrong?"
Out of my mesmerized state, I shook my head in embarrassment. "No, nothing is wrong."
Get a grip on yourself, Akira! Why is your concentration so off today?
Even with Hikaru, Go was supposed to come first, as hard as it was.
I placed another stone onto the board.
If he placed it here then-
He did!
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap...
"A-arimasen," I bowed my head slightly, but even so, I didn't look away.
Dammit, Akira, why can't you take your eyes off this boy?!
Satisfied, he boy grinned at me. "Thank you for the game, Oujisama."
Then, like the charming person I knew, he leaned forward over the Go board. "Will you let me stay with you now?"
"Hey you!" Maya reprimanded. "Don't address the prince that way!"
But he wasn't listening at all. I wasn't either.
His hopeful eyes were making me melt. They’ve always captured me in some way.
Because he’d been so forward, he laughed and placed his hand behind his head. Sai blushed while still looking at me. In the next second, he glanced at the floor and then at me once more.
A smiled came to my lips. "Definitely."
That's the person I was drawn to. This bright person who pushed his way through me without a second thought. And before I knew it, I couldn't escape anymore.
I sent Ari and Maya out of the room. I didn't know if that was such a good idea placing myself before my own temptation. Also, I was sure that Ari and Maya were running to my parents to report on what was happening.
Regardless, I looked at Sai without discretion. He never seemed to keep his eyes off me too.
"Tell me why you are here." I put my hands in my lap and totally focused on his eyes without wavering.
They were so sure about something. I just didn't have any idea as to what exactly.
"I'm here because..." He closed his mouth and gulped. All the confidence he had slipped away like water.
A hush had come into the room as a breeze went through the window. The red windchime began to ring.
Sai grabbed onto his pants and his hands made tight fists over the fabric. "I'm here because you called to me."
It made no sense, but my heart felt warm all over. I was touched, but didn't know why.
Something inside me felt comforted and relieved. A place in which I had been holding my breath was released and was able to be free again.
"What do you mean, Sai-san?"
"Oujisama was crying before he fainted in my arms."
"I was?" I was perplexed. It seemed like the scene near the river and why I was in bed were coming together now.
He nodded as he continued with a pained voice, "Until you remember me, I cannot leave you."
"Remember you?"
He didn't say anymore.
The connecting pieces were breaking apart once more, but as I looked at him, he got up from his place. As he passed me, a sense of fear overcame me. My hand, by instinct, grabbed his.
But I pulled too hard.
He ended up falling into my arms, but he didn't move a centimeter, continuing to eye me with that piercing gaze. I couldn't read it, but I was truly enraptured by his eyes.
Without thinking, I reached out to touch his cheek, but he leaned up to whisper in my ear, "Akira, wake up. Please wake up."
"Hikaru?" I whispered.
What was happening?
Someone please tell me what's wrong.
I want to touch you, but something won't let me.
Why can't I ever fight this block that's between us? Wasn't I strong enough?
Sai got up and bowed. When our eyes met again, he looked straight into me. Though he held a smile, I felt like he was holding in his pain.
He turned to leave and I was left there looking behind him. So many things were running through my head.
Why did I call out to you? But why were you now answering that call?
Why...
Why couldn't I be strong for the both of us?
But who was really holding back? You or me?
At that moment, I realized that he was quietly calling me from the depths of my soul.
But the hole inside of my heart stretched even wider too...
Like the first time I had met Hikaru at my father's Go Salon so many years ago, I didn't care about the consequences. I was so sure that the deeper I got into this, I was going to tear myself apart by the end of it.
And I wouldn't mind at all.
If that was the only way I could reach deep inside of him...
I made my choice and I wanted him.
Whomever that was.
No one else.
So if anything was going to hurt me, I'd let it as long as it didn't hurt Hikaru in return.
For if it did, that would be the only way to break me so easily.
The only way to truly break my heart was for Hikaru to kill it himself.
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
Suddenly, I peered into the darkness before me. I found myself watching the ceiling above and gasping for air as tears rolled down the sides of my face.
Looking to my right, I found Hikaru sitting on a chair with his head leaning on his crossed arms.
"Hikaru..." I said out of breath, reaching out for his clenched fist and holding it weakly.
Yes, that was the only way.
Tsuzuku... / To be continued…
--
Author's notes: Okee, we're just going to keep on getting more and more complicated from here, so if anything's unclear, be sure to tell me! ^_^ I'll try my best to clarify it.
Mixing both the dream sequences and the 'rl' stuff, I'm trying to make a stream-of-consciousness type of effect. After all, my description on is really, really vague this time. And it will all make sense once I get to the end. (I took it from the perspective of Akira's monologues. He's so cute whenever he thinks too much, isn't he?!)
As to the comment about the last chapter, Hikaru didn't directly tell Akira that he wasn't related to Sai and nor did he say he was. But the Akira I've come to perceptualize (oh, I hope that I'm characterizing them correctly) is very passionate. As he was when he was 12 or 14, he gets worked up with anything to do with Hikaru. Akira may feel like he's been lied to rather than Hikaru telling him a directly. What I mean is that Akira may have interpreted this differently from the way Hikaru was trying to present it, but Hikaru shows in this fic that he is guilty. Akira sees this, and his wound deepens with the looks and Hikaru's words.
Hikaru hasn't told him all this time. It has been 3+ years in my story since the time that Hikaru told him that he'd tell him something, which through this story, he's still uncomfortable with revealing. Akira's been waiting for Hikaru to explain, but Hikaru's been as mysterious as the day they first met. So, he's frustrated.
I wanted to present that Akira's moods, feelings, and thoughts contrast one another. He tells Hikaru stuff, but not what really bothers him. Hikaru tells him stuff, but not answering the questions Akira wants to be answered.
Thank you FW-san, Lady Seishou-san, and Green Eyes-san for your encouragement! I am trying my best with these characters. T hey are a handful, but your support makes the process of writing MUCH easier for me.
^_^ Ah, Jamie-san! Thank you so much for the episodes! (I can't seem to thank you enough!) Enjoy this fic that's dedicated to you!
But to my muse, I always think of you whenever I write this fic.
