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yui_miyamotoFandom: Peacemaker Kurogane / Peacemaker 鐵
Title: truly beloved.
Pairing: Yamazaki + Okita, Hijikata + Okita
Rating: pg-13
Description: Susumu and Souji realize just how similar they are.
Disclaimer: Chrono Nanae owns this wonderful title.
They say we’re upstarts, but I wonder if they’ve ever pondered about why would we serve a man that would later be betrayed by his own government and still proudly follow him?
I’m not asking them to understand and nor will anything justify whatever we did or how it’s interpreted. I just thought I’d know by now.
For even if I’m forgotten by time with the crowd, I sometimes wished my time of self-effacement wasn’t so exact.
But these moments of importance always happen in retrospect. And certainly not in real time. You only know when two timelines connect in the instant they’re about to collide and burn like gunpowder exploding into sparks and smoke.
Then, it’s all gone.
For me, it would’ve been obvious if it were with Tetsunosuke. After all, he’s my inexpressible comrade, brother, and confidant. However, I never imagined it would be someone whose face is the exact opposite of mine.
Except, we’re mirrors of one another.
We didn’t choose our roles. They were given to us and we tried our best to fulfill them.
So why did you plant this burden of doubt inside of me? You detonated it to question my whole life’s purpose.
Now, it’s slowly ticking away.
truly beloved.
by Miyamoto Yui
/“Thank you for helping us out.”
Ms. Tanaka gave me a handful of the new sweet stuffed with anko and a new fruit I’d only heard about, but had yet to see. The new test batch we’d created together was packed prettily into a box.
She smiles while giving subtle facial and hand gestures while saying, “Mori-san mentioned that we will be opening a new branch in Tamba within three months.”
There’s a new message in the forest northwest of here. Projected plans up to three full moons from now.
“All right. Thank very much.” I bow with the small decorated box in my hands.
I’d better head on over.
With that, I left and weaved through the streets. Sometimes, I saw my comrades patrol, but that night. Pointlessly, I worry over the freshness of the daifuku, but figure I’d be able to get back with ruining it.
“What does it taste like?”
Along the way, of course, I hear snippets of whispered conversations. Once in a while, I’ll hear phantom complaints through open windows:
“Those Mibu wolves think they can do anything they want.”
“Aren’t they ashamed using someone else’s money as they party?”
“Who exactly are they patrolling for if they’re the ones that cause trouble?”
“They don’t know what they’re doing. I heard most of them don’t even have real titles.”
Beyond the bamboo grove and by the river, there is a small opening with an indistinct marker. I slip into its shadow and crouch down. The formation of pebbles hid a single piece of paper with a drawing buried under it. I peruse it for a while and commit it to memory to tell the commanders later. Destroying it, I scatter the pebbles around the same place to show I’d read the message.
When I slipped into headquarters, it was the hour of the tiger.
Okita-san was meditating in the middle of the yard. And although I felt uneasy, I found myself approaching him. “Mrs. Tanaka gave this to us.”
Without a second thought, he took one and turned it in between his fingers. A little dust got on his hand and sprinkles his clothes, but he was so delighted.
“I’m going to designate this as my favorite.” He winked at me mischievously. “Do you think Toshi will notice I’ve already eaten one?”
I broke character and chuckled. “Actually, after reporting to Kondo-san and him, he said to take this straight home and have you eat it first.”
He really likes to spoil you, doesn’t he?
“When I was eleven, I whined for sweets and he tried to make mochi for me. It was a mini disaster, but I ate it anyway. It was pretty good though.” He shook his head and laughed quietly to himself.
I gulped at his guilelessness. I didn’t know how to react so I remained quiet as always. He opened up about their lives in Musashi whenever I least expected it.
I don’t know why you tell me these things…
When he eats the daifuku, his eyes lit up in surprise.
“What is this fruit? I don’t think I’ve ever tried it before.”
“It’s called a strawberry.”
He takes little bites to make the single piece last a long time. But watching him…
…he’s so cute.
“You’re so frustrating.”
“Hmm?” Mid-bite, his eyes opened wide while looking into mine. “I never thought you’d say something like that.”
“Of course I’m not supposed to.”
He nodded his head in agreement. “I know.”
“You’re able to tell others what you feel. Not necessarily what you’re thinking, but at least you voice out what you want.”
“I guess.” He put his hand on my head, running his fingers through my hair and sending shivers throughout my whole body.
He made me turn my face towards him. “But you don’t have to play by all the rules. People aren’t allowed to see what you’re doing. I…I’ve always envied that about you.”
My eyes opened slightly and I understood then why I was drawn to him. Why I was scared and excited at the same time.
You see through me so clearly.
I slightly moved and he caught my hand. He knew I wanted to get away. This was too much for me to discover all at once.
“Okita-san…” My eyes glanced down to my lap.
I couldn’t return his gaze.
It wasn’t charisma at all. There’s always something about him that makes me cry and angry at the same time. I thought it was because I wished I knew him at a deeper level like the Vice Commander or get closer like with his students, but I guess I wanted something more than that.
I couldn’t comprehend it at all.
“Wherever you are, we will fight alongside one another.” Gently rubbing his thumb over my hand, he continued to watch me. “I will always be with you, Susumu.”
He pushed his fist to my heart. “I promise.”
Are you making a pact with me? What about the Vi-
“I’ve always believed we’re family.” He let go and picked up Saizo, who was still a piglet.
Just as he stood up, he shoved one of the daifuku into my mouth. His index fingers stopped pushing it as soon as it brushed my tongue. When he walked away and I sat there in a scrambled, silent mess, I answered back,
“Yes.”
I absolutely had no idea what to think./
Why would I suddenly think about that?
We must be connected because there’s no valid reason as to why you’re walking to the very tree I’m watching from.
“You and I are the same, aren’t we?”
Stepping out of the shadows, I stood before Okita-san. Though I’d seen him with his full gear, it’s now under the shadows of the forest. If it had been any other person, they’d been silenced, answered with even more.
But there was something about this person that constantly told me, “Don’t cross the line. Only I can do it and not the other way around.”
I never wanted to anger him.
Despite it all, unsettling, excited shivers vibrated from my toes to the top of head.
I felt guilty for all of it.
Weren’t you all supposed to regroup while I kept watch here?
With the wave of clearing invisible smoke, he smiled even as blood trickled from his cheek. In between his disturbingly cheerful visage and that enraged aura emanating from his being, he warmly said, “I thought I’d find you here.”
Though we’d all had made our overall plans, I wondered how he’d found me. His instinct was surely as sharp as his sword. I didn’t know what to make of it.
I wish I could return back in time when everything was less complicated for all of us.
I’d always known that there was something intimidating about him, but camouflaged by Kondo-san and Hijikata-san, the tales of the field could be easily shushed since those in the know could no longer spill the information.
He stepped towards me.
“Do you need something, Okita-san?”
“Keep your voice even. Your expressions neutral. Nothing is too painful because this is what I was born to do.”
I said nothing.
What happened out there for you to seek me out?
“How long does it take until you erase it all away?” As firm as his tone was, his hand was shaking.
“I disassociate,” I found myself saying.
Why be honest about it now?
“I don’t think I can ever do that.”
“That’s why the Vice Commander values you. We’ve already passed that point.”
We can’t take that innocence back. I was forced to give it from birth.
You wrestle with yourself because you still fight with it.
I guess I’ve always envied that about you. Isn’t that why everyone respects you?
“If that’s so, why do you think I came to you, Susumu?”
My mouth gaped for a split-second. I hadn’t expected him to say my name so carefully and full of caring. Almost like my sister and a little more than that too...
“I don’t know. I’ve never been able to read you well.”
We stared at one another for a small while.
With the heavy air between us, I breathed in and smiled. He seemed confused until I rolled a ball in his direction. What when it stopped right as it touched his toe, the ball unfurled. Inside was a small version of Saizo in a smaller outfit similar to mine.
Squatting down as if it were real, his expression changed. He delicately patted its head as I stood there beside myself.
My eyelids slightly stung.
“Whatever happens, watch him for me.”
This was what the Fukucho was preserving. The reason he could take all the hate and push through all the odds.
I had thought to bring this out as a surprise back at Headquarters, but it didn’t mean as much as it did now. How much it explained why the children liked him even when he didn’t like himself sometimes.
He was still them. Not with them.
He’d matured, but his heart was exactly like theirs.
Carrying it delicately in his arms, Souji got up. Even with bloodied fingertips, he snuggled against it as if Saizo were actually there.
“Do you think we made any difference?”
/He poured a cup for me and I sat straight up, despite pretending to be tipsy. Unfazed, he blinked at me with almost a grimace.
This wasn’t something the Fukucho should have done for me. He was prideful in such matters (and only allowed the First Captain to hint of doing anything of the sort, if his mood allowed it).
His eyes always surveyed his surroundings though he pretended to be cool and composed to keep up his image. But his attention was constantly watching for the First Captain. I had surmised this the first time he stood at the door watching Okita-san practicing.
I couldn’t grasp how much his care touched upon obsession. He wouldn’t allow for him to be out of his sight, as if Okita-san would even think of going anywhere.
“Whatever happens, watch him for me.”
When I’m not there, you’re my eyes.
He’d said this from the very beginning, long before the disease came.
For someone who holds his precious things very closely, why are you allowing me to peek at its true beauty?
I took the cup and drank it in a formal manner.
He simply stood up and went to drink again with Kondo-san./
But when Nee-san passed, I began to comprehend why the Fukucho kept him within reach. I’d been wrong. Okita-san would run away from him if it was possible. And this disease was something Fukucho couldn’t control.
I can’t imagine how much it’s driving him crazy.
By this time, playing many different people, this wasn’t a question, but a mutual understanding. It was a means of survival. I knew very well by now why he’d found me, which must have aggravated Hijikata-san.
“I haven’t done enough.”
“No matter how great or small our contribution, we still made an impact.”
After all, this was all chosen for us and we worked with what we could.
“We gave up many things to work within the darkness.
This is my pride: My sword. Him. My relatives. You, who is part of my family. But pride won’t save him…”
He dropped to his knees. The pig fell down to the dirt as he pushed into the ground. “I don’t care where we go as long as we’re all together. It’s impossible, but that’s all I wanted.”
Taking a deep breath, his eyes were so red as tears rained uncontrollably down his cheeks.
Strangely, it wasn’t out of sadness. The wrath of a thousand suns to melt the skin with a single blink was in that face. Frustration, betrayal, judgment…
All of it clumped together, unable to be pulled apart any longer in its own sludge.
I almost stuck a knife into my thigh to keep myself from breaking. Of everyone, I never wanted to see him cry because I didn’t want to cross back to being human.
This is the true reason Fukucho had asked me…
“No matter what they say, even if we’re not remembered, the intentions we all hold will continue somehow. That cannot be destroyed. Someone will come to care for the things that need to be preserved.
Selflessness is rewarded somehow. That is the true strength of people.
They will protect what is truly beloved.”
Then, he crumbled, his head almost touching the dirt.
“It’s that. That’s why I followed him…
He was the only one who saw my value. In fact, many of the people who joined. That’s why I want him to live forever.”
I’m sure he wants the same for you.
You two really think too much of each other and you don’t even know it.
“If that’s so, then why did the people we serve turned on us? I wasn’t asking for appreciation because it was in our blood to fulfill our duty. It’s what we all ever knew. But what happens when the very people we chose to protect distrust us because of their own doubts?
And yet, we’re still loyal to them because we know they don’t know how to really fight for themselves.”
I crouched down and reached out to grab his hand. Holding it firmly in mine, I shook my head. “If I knew, then I wouldn’t exist.”
Smiling, my eyes turned to the grass at our feet.
He took a deep breath and his glistened eyes peered up into mine. Everything Hijikata-san meant to say was here and he let me witness it at full force.
I squeezed his hand as hard as I could, but he broke free of my grip. Pulling me down, his fingertips gently touched my face…
…with my heart breaking in ways I’d erased away over time.
I didn’t want to know it all over again. Happiness. Loneliness. Yearning. Self-deceit…
Forgiveness.
Especially after I’d lost Her.
No, not now…
I really didn’t.
Owari. / The End.
--
Author’s note: I am a die-hard Hijikata/Souji fan, but this premise kept on bugging me for many years now. It has been a long time for this story to come into fruition, but I’m glad.
I made it in time. Happy Birthday Hijikata-san.
Thanks for reading.
With love,
Yui
5/3/2025 12:22:39 PM – Los Angeles
5/4/2025 04:22:39 AM – Tokyo
Title: truly beloved.
Pairing: Yamazaki + Okita, Hijikata + Okita
Rating: pg-13
Description: Susumu and Souji realize just how similar they are.
Disclaimer: Chrono Nanae owns this wonderful title.
They say we’re upstarts, but I wonder if they’ve ever pondered about why would we serve a man that would later be betrayed by his own government and still proudly follow him?
I’m not asking them to understand and nor will anything justify whatever we did or how it’s interpreted. I just thought I’d know by now.
For even if I’m forgotten by time with the crowd, I sometimes wished my time of self-effacement wasn’t so exact.
But these moments of importance always happen in retrospect. And certainly not in real time. You only know when two timelines connect in the instant they’re about to collide and burn like gunpowder exploding into sparks and smoke.
Then, it’s all gone.
For me, it would’ve been obvious if it were with Tetsunosuke. After all, he’s my inexpressible comrade, brother, and confidant. However, I never imagined it would be someone whose face is the exact opposite of mine.
Except, we’re mirrors of one another.
We didn’t choose our roles. They were given to us and we tried our best to fulfill them.
So why did you plant this burden of doubt inside of me? You detonated it to question my whole life’s purpose.
Now, it’s slowly ticking away.
truly beloved.
by Miyamoto Yui
/“Thank you for helping us out.”
Ms. Tanaka gave me a handful of the new sweet stuffed with anko and a new fruit I’d only heard about, but had yet to see. The new test batch we’d created together was packed prettily into a box.
She smiles while giving subtle facial and hand gestures while saying, “Mori-san mentioned that we will be opening a new branch in Tamba within three months.”
There’s a new message in the forest northwest of here. Projected plans up to three full moons from now.
“All right. Thank very much.” I bow with the small decorated box in my hands.
I’d better head on over.
With that, I left and weaved through the streets. Sometimes, I saw my comrades patrol, but that night. Pointlessly, I worry over the freshness of the daifuku, but figure I’d be able to get back with ruining it.
“What does it taste like?”
Along the way, of course, I hear snippets of whispered conversations. Once in a while, I’ll hear phantom complaints through open windows:
“Those Mibu wolves think they can do anything they want.”
“Aren’t they ashamed using someone else’s money as they party?”
“Who exactly are they patrolling for if they’re the ones that cause trouble?”
“They don’t know what they’re doing. I heard most of them don’t even have real titles.”
Beyond the bamboo grove and by the river, there is a small opening with an indistinct marker. I slip into its shadow and crouch down. The formation of pebbles hid a single piece of paper with a drawing buried under it. I peruse it for a while and commit it to memory to tell the commanders later. Destroying it, I scatter the pebbles around the same place to show I’d read the message.
When I slipped into headquarters, it was the hour of the tiger.
Okita-san was meditating in the middle of the yard. And although I felt uneasy, I found myself approaching him. “Mrs. Tanaka gave this to us.”
Without a second thought, he took one and turned it in between his fingers. A little dust got on his hand and sprinkles his clothes, but he was so delighted.
“I’m going to designate this as my favorite.” He winked at me mischievously. “Do you think Toshi will notice I’ve already eaten one?”
I broke character and chuckled. “Actually, after reporting to Kondo-san and him, he said to take this straight home and have you eat it first.”
He really likes to spoil you, doesn’t he?
“When I was eleven, I whined for sweets and he tried to make mochi for me. It was a mini disaster, but I ate it anyway. It was pretty good though.” He shook his head and laughed quietly to himself.
I gulped at his guilelessness. I didn’t know how to react so I remained quiet as always. He opened up about their lives in Musashi whenever I least expected it.
I don’t know why you tell me these things…
When he eats the daifuku, his eyes lit up in surprise.
“What is this fruit? I don’t think I’ve ever tried it before.”
“It’s called a strawberry.”
He takes little bites to make the single piece last a long time. But watching him…
…he’s so cute.
“You’re so frustrating.”
“Hmm?” Mid-bite, his eyes opened wide while looking into mine. “I never thought you’d say something like that.”
“Of course I’m not supposed to.”
He nodded his head in agreement. “I know.”
“You’re able to tell others what you feel. Not necessarily what you’re thinking, but at least you voice out what you want.”
“I guess.” He put his hand on my head, running his fingers through my hair and sending shivers throughout my whole body.
He made me turn my face towards him. “But you don’t have to play by all the rules. People aren’t allowed to see what you’re doing. I…I’ve always envied that about you.”
My eyes opened slightly and I understood then why I was drawn to him. Why I was scared and excited at the same time.
You see through me so clearly.
I slightly moved and he caught my hand. He knew I wanted to get away. This was too much for me to discover all at once.
“Okita-san…” My eyes glanced down to my lap.
I couldn’t return his gaze.
It wasn’t charisma at all. There’s always something about him that makes me cry and angry at the same time. I thought it was because I wished I knew him at a deeper level like the Vice Commander or get closer like with his students, but I guess I wanted something more than that.
I couldn’t comprehend it at all.
“Wherever you are, we will fight alongside one another.” Gently rubbing his thumb over my hand, he continued to watch me. “I will always be with you, Susumu.”
He pushed his fist to my heart. “I promise.”
Are you making a pact with me? What about the Vi-
“I’ve always believed we’re family.” He let go and picked up Saizo, who was still a piglet.
Just as he stood up, he shoved one of the daifuku into my mouth. His index fingers stopped pushing it as soon as it brushed my tongue. When he walked away and I sat there in a scrambled, silent mess, I answered back,
“Yes.”
I absolutely had no idea what to think./
Why would I suddenly think about that?
We must be connected because there’s no valid reason as to why you’re walking to the very tree I’m watching from.
“You and I are the same, aren’t we?”
Stepping out of the shadows, I stood before Okita-san. Though I’d seen him with his full gear, it’s now under the shadows of the forest. If it had been any other person, they’d been silenced, answered with even more.
But there was something about this person that constantly told me, “Don’t cross the line. Only I can do it and not the other way around.”
I never wanted to anger him.
Despite it all, unsettling, excited shivers vibrated from my toes to the top of head.
I felt guilty for all of it.
Weren’t you all supposed to regroup while I kept watch here?
With the wave of clearing invisible smoke, he smiled even as blood trickled from his cheek. In between his disturbingly cheerful visage and that enraged aura emanating from his being, he warmly said, “I thought I’d find you here.”
Though we’d all had made our overall plans, I wondered how he’d found me. His instinct was surely as sharp as his sword. I didn’t know what to make of it.
I wish I could return back in time when everything was less complicated for all of us.
I’d always known that there was something intimidating about him, but camouflaged by Kondo-san and Hijikata-san, the tales of the field could be easily shushed since those in the know could no longer spill the information.
He stepped towards me.
“Do you need something, Okita-san?”
“Keep your voice even. Your expressions neutral. Nothing is too painful because this is what I was born to do.”
I said nothing.
What happened out there for you to seek me out?
“How long does it take until you erase it all away?” As firm as his tone was, his hand was shaking.
“I disassociate,” I found myself saying.
Why be honest about it now?
“I don’t think I can ever do that.”
“That’s why the Vice Commander values you. We’ve already passed that point.”
We can’t take that innocence back. I was forced to give it from birth.
You wrestle with yourself because you still fight with it.
I guess I’ve always envied that about you. Isn’t that why everyone respects you?
“If that’s so, why do you think I came to you, Susumu?”
My mouth gaped for a split-second. I hadn’t expected him to say my name so carefully and full of caring. Almost like my sister and a little more than that too...
“I don’t know. I’ve never been able to read you well.”
We stared at one another for a small while.
With the heavy air between us, I breathed in and smiled. He seemed confused until I rolled a ball in his direction. What when it stopped right as it touched his toe, the ball unfurled. Inside was a small version of Saizo in a smaller outfit similar to mine.
Squatting down as if it were real, his expression changed. He delicately patted its head as I stood there beside myself.
My eyelids slightly stung.
“Whatever happens, watch him for me.”
This was what the Fukucho was preserving. The reason he could take all the hate and push through all the odds.
I had thought to bring this out as a surprise back at Headquarters, but it didn’t mean as much as it did now. How much it explained why the children liked him even when he didn’t like himself sometimes.
He was still them. Not with them.
He’d matured, but his heart was exactly like theirs.
Carrying it delicately in his arms, Souji got up. Even with bloodied fingertips, he snuggled against it as if Saizo were actually there.
“Do you think we made any difference?”
/He poured a cup for me and I sat straight up, despite pretending to be tipsy. Unfazed, he blinked at me with almost a grimace.
This wasn’t something the Fukucho should have done for me. He was prideful in such matters (and only allowed the First Captain to hint of doing anything of the sort, if his mood allowed it).
His eyes always surveyed his surroundings though he pretended to be cool and composed to keep up his image. But his attention was constantly watching for the First Captain. I had surmised this the first time he stood at the door watching Okita-san practicing.
I couldn’t grasp how much his care touched upon obsession. He wouldn’t allow for him to be out of his sight, as if Okita-san would even think of going anywhere.
“Whatever happens, watch him for me.”
When I’m not there, you’re my eyes.
He’d said this from the very beginning, long before the disease came.
For someone who holds his precious things very closely, why are you allowing me to peek at its true beauty?
I took the cup and drank it in a formal manner.
He simply stood up and went to drink again with Kondo-san./
But when Nee-san passed, I began to comprehend why the Fukucho kept him within reach. I’d been wrong. Okita-san would run away from him if it was possible. And this disease was something Fukucho couldn’t control.
I can’t imagine how much it’s driving him crazy.
By this time, playing many different people, this wasn’t a question, but a mutual understanding. It was a means of survival. I knew very well by now why he’d found me, which must have aggravated Hijikata-san.
“I haven’t done enough.”
“No matter how great or small our contribution, we still made an impact.”
After all, this was all chosen for us and we worked with what we could.
“We gave up many things to work within the darkness.
This is my pride: My sword. Him. My relatives. You, who is part of my family. But pride won’t save him…”
He dropped to his knees. The pig fell down to the dirt as he pushed into the ground. “I don’t care where we go as long as we’re all together. It’s impossible, but that’s all I wanted.”
Taking a deep breath, his eyes were so red as tears rained uncontrollably down his cheeks.
Strangely, it wasn’t out of sadness. The wrath of a thousand suns to melt the skin with a single blink was in that face. Frustration, betrayal, judgment…
All of it clumped together, unable to be pulled apart any longer in its own sludge.
I almost stuck a knife into my thigh to keep myself from breaking. Of everyone, I never wanted to see him cry because I didn’t want to cross back to being human.
This is the true reason Fukucho had asked me…
“No matter what they say, even if we’re not remembered, the intentions we all hold will continue somehow. That cannot be destroyed. Someone will come to care for the things that need to be preserved.
Selflessness is rewarded somehow. That is the true strength of people.
They will protect what is truly beloved.”
Then, he crumbled, his head almost touching the dirt.
“It’s that. That’s why I followed him…
He was the only one who saw my value. In fact, many of the people who joined. That’s why I want him to live forever.”
I’m sure he wants the same for you.
You two really think too much of each other and you don’t even know it.
“If that’s so, then why did the people we serve turned on us? I wasn’t asking for appreciation because it was in our blood to fulfill our duty. It’s what we all ever knew. But what happens when the very people we chose to protect distrust us because of their own doubts?
And yet, we’re still loyal to them because we know they don’t know how to really fight for themselves.”
I crouched down and reached out to grab his hand. Holding it firmly in mine, I shook my head. “If I knew, then I wouldn’t exist.”
Smiling, my eyes turned to the grass at our feet.
He took a deep breath and his glistened eyes peered up into mine. Everything Hijikata-san meant to say was here and he let me witness it at full force.
I squeezed his hand as hard as I could, but he broke free of my grip. Pulling me down, his fingertips gently touched my face…
…with my heart breaking in ways I’d erased away over time.
I didn’t want to know it all over again. Happiness. Loneliness. Yearning. Self-deceit…
Forgiveness.
Especially after I’d lost Her.
No, not now…
I really didn’t.
Owari. / The End.
--
Author’s note: I am a die-hard Hijikata/Souji fan, but this premise kept on bugging me for many years now. It has been a long time for this story to come into fruition, but I’m glad.
I made it in time. Happy Birthday Hijikata-san.
Thanks for reading.
With love,
Yui
5/3/2025 12:22:39 PM – Los Angeles
5/4/2025 04:22:39 AM – Tokyo
