![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yui_miyamotoFandom – フェルマーの料理 / Fermat’s Cuisine / Fermaa no Ryouri
Title – Made for me.
Pairing – Gaku + Kai
Rating – PG-13
Description – Ever since Kai left, Gaku thinks he’s going to leave again. Even if they live together now, will he ever let this fear go?
Disclaimer – The manga is made by Kobayashi Yuugo and the drama with TBS so all rights belong to them.
At the slightest creak, Gaku woke up startled with a shiver racing down his bones.
Already off the bed, his heavy body ran to the other bedroom to find everything was perfectly made. However, Kai was nowhere in sight.
Where is he? Why didn’t he say anything? Did he leave me?
Why is this happening?
Shaking his head with burning eyelids, he hurriedly walked towards the living room only to find a single white note of elegant strokes:
The worst finally appeared.
Dashing out the front with every little piece of his heart breaking, he screamed over and over inside, but no sound came out of his lips.
Is it because he couldn’t stand me anymore? Was I too slow to reach his level? Or…
…did he figure out my secret?
Math translated into cuisine which automatically meant Kai. That’s what it equals to in my head.
However, you find every counter to refute me.
“I…I can’t go through this again.”
Collapsing at the coast of rolling waves washing over his knees, he listlessly watched the water. “Just having you near me was enough. Was even that too much to ask?”
Made for me.
by Miyamoto Yui
Grabbing his head, water flowed in frustrated streams down his eyes. Gaku took a deep breath and buried his head into his hands.
“It’s just a dream.”
I know it makes no sense, but because things have been flowing smoothly, I’m afraid it’ll suddenly crumble. When I go to sleep, I can’t help but feel I’ll lose him if I stop watching and it paralyzes every rational thought I have.
After meeting you, a dormant monster began to grow inside me.
Leaving his bedroom, he slightly opened the door of Kai’s. He sighed in relief when he saw him sleeping soundly. Knowing he wouldn’t be able to sleep with these suffocating thoughts, he went up to the roof. Gaku got his notebook and looked up to the sky while playing a song on his phone. It was on the radio when Kai was missing...
Looking up at the moon, the mechanical pencil scritched madly against the paper. Kai should’ve told him to go to bed, but that concentrated look was everything he’d wanted to protect.
No one else had ever forced him to look back until he appeared.
Crossing his arms, he leaned on the doorway and smiled softly to himself. Even through the light dizzy spells and pain of a deteriorating palate, his heart was kept open because of this person.
What have you done to me?
Post-me would never have imagined everything that led to this small bloom of happiness. Especially when I’d gone against Sensei’s words to the point that even he had to change his own life mantra.
For a split-second, those focused eyes became downcast. His pencil completely stopped.
What must I do for you stay? When will I get over it? You have no reason to leave me, except…
That’s when he pulled out the vermillion notebook underneath. Again, the night was filled with the sound of lead meeting paper in a frenzied fashion. At the end of it and with self-satisfaction, Fermat’s disciple grinned at his work. Whatever it was, it had eased his anxiety.
Gaku closed that notebook and resumed writing in the original hanaasagi-colored one.
“Aren’t you supposed to be in bed?”
“I was, but then I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep.”
Without even thinking, he put his notebook flat out on the table and pulled Kai from the doorway. They sat next to one another, shoulder to shoulder and overlooking today’s notes. Every single day was an improvement of yesterday. Tomorrow shaped another ripple in the possibilities and Kai was now the one writing. Little by little, Gaku’s fingers on the bench touch Kai’s. It made the tips of his hair tingle.
The gap is still so great…
Even when I improve by 3x, he does it by 5x. Theoretically, we’re supposed to intersect, but all I feel is infinite sinking.
“Can you prove it? I mean, whatever you’re thinking?”
“Hmm?” Gaku’s head somehow made it onto Kai’s shoulder.
Kai pushed on the wrinkle between Gaku’s eyebrows. “What are you worrying about?”
At this, he blinked at Kai. His observation skills were impeccable. No wonder his customer service ratings were off the chart, as severe as he could be at times.
“I’ve been working on how to improve last night’s dish, but…”
I can’t tell you that I’m desperately trying to keep up with you…
…so that you won’t have any reason to go missing ever again.
It’s so irrationally selfish that I’m insanely beside myself.
*/*/*/*/*/
The next day, early as always, they both got up and went downstairs to the restaurant. Sitting across from one another on the wide walnut table, they planned out that day’s menu. Gaku wrote his lists as Kai drew them into visual existence.
In between, they would run upstairs to their home to make little notes and modifications on a two-way clear board about what would be the ultimate course for all sorts of occasions. Even things that seemed far out weren’t ever ruled out (like if they made a dinner for a character everyone loved since they received private requests to host events).
But there’d always be a point where Gaku would end up observing Kai, bite at the end of his mechanical pencil, and thought ridiculous things such as if he ever composed Kai into a course, what would it actually taste like? He’d been lost in writing by the time Kai would in turn be sketching Gaku’s concentrated face in such detail, he could have made a 3D representation. Depending on his mood, the dish type would change.
This day happened to be dessert. He chuckled to himself because he couldn’t decide on a chocolate or fruit-based one.
Gaku glanced up and signaled, “Shall we get ready for the day then?”
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
Days would pass within minutes in their own intensity until one afternoon…
“That bouquet was a great touch for the mango sorbet. What made you want to-Kai!“
As soon as he’d turned from closing the door, Kai was about to fall forward. Gaku rushed over to catch him.
Holding him on the floor, he was about to call the hospital when Kai shook his head. “Don’t worry. I just need rest.”
“But-“
“I know my body the best. Trust me.”
I do, but what if…
He closed his eyes for a split-second.
Kai pushed his head into Gaku’s chest to reassure him. That was the end of that. There wasn’t ever a discussion with Kai and Gaku sighed in response. As he held him, he looked down and thought about being the only other person, besides Sensei and Nene, who really saw this part of Kai. No one wants to their hero this weak, but he chose to see the truth even when it was hard to accept.
He'd be anything this man wanted him to be as long as he breathed.
Glancing upwards, Kai smiled. “Don’t look so intense.”
Gaku couldn’t respond as he picked him up quietly, secretly panicking that Kai was so light even with everything they created and ate together. He’d made sure that he could replicate Kai’s taste if he wanted.
For his own sake, he wanted to make sure it wouldn’t disappear even when the inevitable happened.
He was on the verge of discovering a full course to transcend it. Even so, that was against the Kai of their first meeting. This current one was evolving even when they weren’t in the kitchen.
On the way upstairs, he heard Kai softly snore. When he did, he stopped halfway to the top to stare into his face.
I’m repaying you for everything you gave me when I thought I couldn’t be what I’d been working my whole life to become. But this path wouldn’t have opened up if not for you.
Holding him closer, his eyes squeezed tightly because he didn’t want any tears to seep out.
I can’t lose you, Kai.
But what could he do as the seconds kept the rope that slightly tightened without warning?
He resumed to bring him up the stairs, but before he could take it back, as soon as he’d laid him in his room, he’d kissed Kai’s forehead. Just as quickly as he’d done it, he disappeared downstairs and wrote on the signboard outside, “Due to unforeseen circumstances, we will be closed for the rest of the day.”
Leaning on the back of the door, Gaku’s face was cherry red.
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
Kai woke up to the soft light shining through his balcony. He got up and peeked at Gaku sleeping before getting ready to take a short walk to clear his head. He drank a glass of water and headed out.
The street was dim with an occasional light on. Once in a while, he glanced at the name plates and heard snippets of conversations. The salty air calmed him down somewhat, but Gaku’s worried face never left his mind.
When he thought he wasn’t looking, he caught those small lapses of helplessness.
How can I reassure him? Even though I told him over and over I wouldn’t go off on my own, Gaku still wakes up in a cold sweat and checks to make sure I haven’t abandoned him.
But what he doesn’t understand is that I hid behind my recipes.
The beautiful displays, ingredients under the light of perfection, I stood a few steps behind because I didn’t feel it ever touched me. I’ve always been in the darkness chasing after happiness, basked in those rays that others seem to accept without question.
They don’t know how long I ran around to find herbs I had no money for or the envious remarks others used to stab their inefficiencies at me.
Still, when He took me in, I was even more on high alert. I didn’t want to cause him problems so I did whatever he said. No one would throw me away again. I stopped agonizing about how I ended up at the orphanage, but how to get out.
So I had to carve ways all on my own to get here.
Even if meant to cut Him off and push Gaku to the edge…
I pretend to not know that he searches for me whenever I go. My selfishness relishes it. I bathe myself in his attention like a constant taste I need on my tongue to keep me awake through this whole blur. He doesn’t know that I crave him in my blood because he cares about me for being ‘myself’.
But this ‘me’ still hates itself. If not, why did my body rebel against me?
It took away the one thing that defined every single fiber of my being.
There isn’t anything left to block me from facing myself.
Even as I peer into the ocean, the waves bob and in my mind, I’m shouting over and over into the void. My chest constricts and I’m drowning all over again. It’s been this way since I’ve learned to remember things.
I only took a breath because you’re here, Gaku.
But I don’t know. I only learned to truly smile because you’re around.
I don’t know anything about loving anyone. Sensei is the closest I’ve been to another human being. I thought that was enough since we humans can’t ever peer into the mind and assimilate into the body of the person they want to be with. Osmosis could never be that perfect, could it? Symbiosis is a dream.
Parasite is more like it. We keep giving until we’re completely empty.
I don’t want to ever give him up.
So even if I don’t understand, I want him to stay with me as long as we can be together.
This is why I slip to visit the ocean at night.
Squatting and touching the water with a flat palm, Kai closed his eyes. The liquid felt cool and refreshing. Gradually, he found himself smiling wider and wider.
For me, this is you, Gaku.
“Kai!”
Turning around, Gaku ran towards him.
“What happened?” He hugged Kai fiercely, his heart beating every which way. “I saw you out here from the roof.”
/”Why do you push me so far?! I don’t want to be here if you aren’t with me!” Falling to the ground, Gaku sobbed while gripping onto the dirt. He was spent from all my little tests to get him to leave me behind and return to Tokyo.
“I wanted you to see me. Is my talent all you wanted? Just what you could offer? How could you leave me alone in your own house and give me everything?! This makes no sense to me!!!”
“I passed onto you what I thought I could give this world since I thought I could no longer continue, but…”
He was bewildered as he glanced up to see me wiping my nose as tears were on the brink of raining.
“…you returned it all to me even more beautiful than before. And gave me a place to return to if I needed to rest. Somewhere in my heart I knew I had to wait for you.
After all, since the moment we met, I bet on you.”/
It’s not talent, but giving everything and of course, it isolates you.
But it won’t truly abandon you. Somewhere, someone is listening to your voice and working towards you. So thank you for listening to me and appearing whenever I need you.
I didn’t know finding you meant saving myself.
And I am sure I never imagined I would’ve survived and become this happy now.
“I didn’t mean to just-“
Elated, Kai lifted his hands up to squeeze Gaku back.
“I have these nightmares. I don’t know what to do with them. I keep on searching for you, but you keep escaping. So I keep checking to make sure you’re there. I’m sorry if it sounds creepy. I-“
Hugging him even more, Kai shook his head and smiled. “I know. For a long time now, I’ve known I couldn’t go too far from where you’re standing.”
He pointed his head towards their building, the house above with the restaurant below. “I picked that place so that you’d be able to find me if I needed to walk here. I thought of that ever since I strolled on this beach, stood here and saw that house.
I needed you in it, you see?”
Stupefied, his mouth hung open with his heart ready to burst.
“Don’t you know me by now? I’m obsessed over you too, Gaku.”
Kai pulled him closer until their lips met. He could feel Gaku’s tears touching his cheeks.
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
The next day, Kai was in the kitchen making breakfast with the notebook open. Gaku came over and without missing a beat, slipped behind him and buried his face into the crook of his neck with the happiest grin.
He held out the scarlet notebook, the one reserved only for Kai, and showed him an organized chaos of numbers with values that Kai couldn’t quite understand. Puzzled, he watched Gaku’s beaming face.
“Translate?”
“From these ingredients, they theoretically mean ‘you’. If I had created you myself, this is how I would have composed you. These are the ratios of what I think would fit and here are the list of ingredients-“
Kai let out a small laugh.
“What?”
“Wait here.”
“Was it too weird? Are you upset?”
“Tsk tsk tsk.”
Kai composed a lovely handwritten letter and stuck it to the signboard outside. Satisfied, he wiped his hands, closed the door, and turned off the lights of the restaurant.
“What are you doing?”
“We’re closed for the day. C’mon.” Kai pulled Gaku’s necktie off and then grabbed his hand.
As they walked up the stairs, a confused Gaku followed with Kai grumbling, “We should have done this way way WAY earlier.”
“What exactly-Mmm…”
“Wait, Gaku! What are you-“
“You started it.” He gave him a deadly serious stare, the kind to consume instantly.
Kai smirked with his eyes squinting in delight…
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
The warmth of the late afternoon sun with the soft breeze came in through the balcony.
A sleeping Gaku had his arms wrapped over Kai’s waist, who was sitting up regarding his sketches against Gaku’s formula of himself. Then, he flipped through the pages trying to absorb what he could learn.
There was a note on one sheet that said, “Perfection doesn’t seem to be an ‘ultimate’, as in one answer. If that were the case, wouldn’t that mean ‘infinite’? And if that were true, that means that there are many pathways that lead to that infinity that goes on forever?
They continue someplace we cannot see, but they exist anyway.
I wouldn’t have thought this way if it weren’t for you. I would never have discovered the different ‘me’s’ that lived within my body and could exist simultaneously.
That I could fall in love with Mathematics over and over everyday and within using my own hands is very fulfilling and fun.
So for me, you’re perfect, Kai.”
As he read this confession, convoluted as it was, its innocence touched him in a way that he’d never known except through inventing dishes. His eyes started to mist over as they fell over Gaku’s content face.
Kai leaned over and hugged him, finally finding peace within himself.
The headaches and everything else is bearable because you’re here.
Whether you admire or see me as your rival to discover new techniques and recipes, I know that it’s all for me. I want you to surpass me someday, but at the same time, I’m doing everything to make you chase after me with all your might.
For as long as I can…
So even with all my doubts and my decaying body,
from the bottom of my soul, I know
you were made for me.
Owari. / The End.
--
Author’s note: Fermat no Ryouri easily became one of my favorite dramas. The acting was amazing, but I’m always attracted to eccentric characters and this couple, whether or not it is official, is quite sweet. And that taste has stayed with me for a while, nine months later. I wanted to write it for it and did a draft, but it didn’t seem filled in yet so I’ve waited for it to call me back until a few days ago. Then, I found what I needed.
That and the fact that I found a good font I’d wanted to write with. Although it’s reformatted on ffnet and AO3 (or any other site I put it on), I always write with the font reflecting the story’s mood. Experimenting on what I can do with print (electronic or analog) is a challenge I’ve taken every time I write something, whether or not it’s ever seen by anyone but me.
I’ve been blank for a while because I broke. I didn’t give up, but my brain couldn’t wake up for a few months. I was in a deep haze. Putting my thoughts into words became too overwhelming. But this very piece has helped me a bit to navigate through the emotions I wasn’t aware of.
I hope you liked it and thanks for reading!
Love always,
Yui
5/18/2025 12:54:09 AM – Los Angeles
5/19/2025 04:54:09 PM – Tokyo
Title – Made for me.
Pairing – Gaku + Kai
Rating – PG-13
Description – Ever since Kai left, Gaku thinks he’s going to leave again. Even if they live together now, will he ever let this fear go?
Disclaimer – The manga is made by Kobayashi Yuugo and the drama with TBS so all rights belong to them.
At the slightest creak, Gaku woke up startled with a shiver racing down his bones.
Already off the bed, his heavy body ran to the other bedroom to find everything was perfectly made. However, Kai was nowhere in sight.
Where is he? Why didn’t he say anything? Did he leave me?
Why is this happening?
Shaking his head with burning eyelids, he hurriedly walked towards the living room only to find a single white note of elegant strokes:
“I don’t want this anymore.”
The worst finally appeared.
Dashing out the front with every little piece of his heart breaking, he screamed over and over inside, but no sound came out of his lips.
Is it because he couldn’t stand me anymore? Was I too slow to reach his level? Or…
…did he figure out my secret?
Math translated into cuisine which automatically meant Kai. That’s what it equals to in my head.
However, you find every counter to refute me.
“I…I can’t go through this again.”
Collapsing at the coast of rolling waves washing over his knees, he listlessly watched the water. “Just having you near me was enough. Was even that too much to ask?”
Made for me.
by Miyamoto Yui
Grabbing his head, water flowed in frustrated streams down his eyes. Gaku took a deep breath and buried his head into his hands.
“It’s just a dream.”
I know it makes no sense, but because things have been flowing smoothly, I’m afraid it’ll suddenly crumble. When I go to sleep, I can’t help but feel I’ll lose him if I stop watching and it paralyzes every rational thought I have.
After meeting you, a dormant monster began to grow inside me.
Leaving his bedroom, he slightly opened the door of Kai’s. He sighed in relief when he saw him sleeping soundly. Knowing he wouldn’t be able to sleep with these suffocating thoughts, he went up to the roof. Gaku got his notebook and looked up to the sky while playing a song on his phone. It was on the radio when Kai was missing...
“Losing my mind over you,
where do we go from here?
Why are you so hard to reach?
You keep saying I’m the same for you
but I’m sure you don’t translate to any
language except to what whets your appetite.
I can’t help but fall into your trap
with eyes wide open.
Why do you keep breaking my heart
in all your silence?
I am getting to the breaking point,
boiling over,
flowing until I’ll disappear.
How could you do this to me?
You’re the only one who asks me
to prove myself.
Again and again,
why must you test me?
You frustrate me
so why do I keep chasing after you?
Because you never show me
anything but a glittering dream
and crush it into pieces
so that it mixes with my reality?
Hope was never so beautiful
as you tear me into pieces…
I am getting to the crumbling stage,
disintegrating until I’m erased.
How could I do this to myself?
You’re the only one who demands
adoration.
Again and again,
why must you test me?
So what are we to each other?
If I cross that line,
we can’t ever go back.
I’m scared to bet everything…
You’ll ask me for more proof
And smash my heart too.
But I know you never lie,
pushing me
to see the you
that no one else knows,
fighting until there’s no point
anymore, but
I’ll never give up on you.”
where do we go from here?
Why are you so hard to reach?
You keep saying I’m the same for you
but I’m sure you don’t translate to any
language except to what whets your appetite.
I can’t help but fall into your trap
with eyes wide open.
Why do you keep breaking my heart
in all your silence?
I am getting to the breaking point,
boiling over,
flowing until I’ll disappear.
How could you do this to me?
You’re the only one who asks me
to prove myself.
Again and again,
why must you test me?
You frustrate me
so why do I keep chasing after you?
Because you never show me
anything but a glittering dream
and crush it into pieces
so that it mixes with my reality?
Hope was never so beautiful
as you tear me into pieces…
I am getting to the crumbling stage,
disintegrating until I’m erased.
How could I do this to myself?
You’re the only one who demands
adoration.
Again and again,
why must you test me?
So what are we to each other?
If I cross that line,
we can’t ever go back.
I’m scared to bet everything…
You’ll ask me for more proof
And smash my heart too.
But I know you never lie,
pushing me
to see the you
that no one else knows,
fighting until there’s no point
anymore, but
I’ll never give up on you.”
Looking up at the moon, the mechanical pencil scritched madly against the paper. Kai should’ve told him to go to bed, but that concentrated look was everything he’d wanted to protect.
No one else had ever forced him to look back until he appeared.
Crossing his arms, he leaned on the doorway and smiled softly to himself. Even through the light dizzy spells and pain of a deteriorating palate, his heart was kept open because of this person.
What have you done to me?
Post-me would never have imagined everything that led to this small bloom of happiness. Especially when I’d gone against Sensei’s words to the point that even he had to change his own life mantra.
For a split-second, those focused eyes became downcast. His pencil completely stopped.
What must I do for you stay? When will I get over it? You have no reason to leave me, except…
That’s when he pulled out the vermillion notebook underneath. Again, the night was filled with the sound of lead meeting paper in a frenzied fashion. At the end of it and with self-satisfaction, Fermat’s disciple grinned at his work. Whatever it was, it had eased his anxiety.
Gaku closed that notebook and resumed writing in the original hanaasagi-colored one.
“Aren’t you supposed to be in bed?”
“I was, but then I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep.”
Without even thinking, he put his notebook flat out on the table and pulled Kai from the doorway. They sat next to one another, shoulder to shoulder and overlooking today’s notes. Every single day was an improvement of yesterday. Tomorrow shaped another ripple in the possibilities and Kai was now the one writing. Little by little, Gaku’s fingers on the bench touch Kai’s. It made the tips of his hair tingle.
The gap is still so great…
Even when I improve by 3x, he does it by 5x. Theoretically, we’re supposed to intersect, but all I feel is infinite sinking.
“Can you prove it? I mean, whatever you’re thinking?”
“Hmm?” Gaku’s head somehow made it onto Kai’s shoulder.
Kai pushed on the wrinkle between Gaku’s eyebrows. “What are you worrying about?”
At this, he blinked at Kai. His observation skills were impeccable. No wonder his customer service ratings were off the chart, as severe as he could be at times.
“I’ve been working on how to improve last night’s dish, but…”
I can’t tell you that I’m desperately trying to keep up with you…
…so that you won’t have any reason to go missing ever again.
It’s so irrationally selfish that I’m insanely beside myself.
*/*/*/*/*/
The next day, early as always, they both got up and went downstairs to the restaurant. Sitting across from one another on the wide walnut table, they planned out that day’s menu. Gaku wrote his lists as Kai drew them into visual existence.
In between, they would run upstairs to their home to make little notes and modifications on a two-way clear board about what would be the ultimate course for all sorts of occasions. Even things that seemed far out weren’t ever ruled out (like if they made a dinner for a character everyone loved since they received private requests to host events).
But there’d always be a point where Gaku would end up observing Kai, bite at the end of his mechanical pencil, and thought ridiculous things such as if he ever composed Kai into a course, what would it actually taste like? He’d been lost in writing by the time Kai would in turn be sketching Gaku’s concentrated face in such detail, he could have made a 3D representation. Depending on his mood, the dish type would change.
This day happened to be dessert. He chuckled to himself because he couldn’t decide on a chocolate or fruit-based one.
Gaku glanced up and signaled, “Shall we get ready for the day then?”
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
Days would pass within minutes in their own intensity until one afternoon…
“That bouquet was a great touch for the mango sorbet. What made you want to-Kai!“
As soon as he’d turned from closing the door, Kai was about to fall forward. Gaku rushed over to catch him.
Holding him on the floor, he was about to call the hospital when Kai shook his head. “Don’t worry. I just need rest.”
“But-“
“I know my body the best. Trust me.”
I do, but what if…
He closed his eyes for a split-second.
Kai pushed his head into Gaku’s chest to reassure him. That was the end of that. There wasn’t ever a discussion with Kai and Gaku sighed in response. As he held him, he looked down and thought about being the only other person, besides Sensei and Nene, who really saw this part of Kai. No one wants to their hero this weak, but he chose to see the truth even when it was hard to accept.
He'd be anything this man wanted him to be as long as he breathed.
Glancing upwards, Kai smiled. “Don’t look so intense.”
Gaku couldn’t respond as he picked him up quietly, secretly panicking that Kai was so light even with everything they created and ate together. He’d made sure that he could replicate Kai’s taste if he wanted.
For his own sake, he wanted to make sure it wouldn’t disappear even when the inevitable happened.
He was on the verge of discovering a full course to transcend it. Even so, that was against the Kai of their first meeting. This current one was evolving even when they weren’t in the kitchen.
On the way upstairs, he heard Kai softly snore. When he did, he stopped halfway to the top to stare into his face.
I’m repaying you for everything you gave me when I thought I couldn’t be what I’d been working my whole life to become. But this path wouldn’t have opened up if not for you.
Holding him closer, his eyes squeezed tightly because he didn’t want any tears to seep out.
I can’t lose you, Kai.
But what could he do as the seconds kept the rope that slightly tightened without warning?
He resumed to bring him up the stairs, but before he could take it back, as soon as he’d laid him in his room, he’d kissed Kai’s forehead. Just as quickly as he’d done it, he disappeared downstairs and wrote on the signboard outside, “Due to unforeseen circumstances, we will be closed for the rest of the day.”
Leaning on the back of the door, Gaku’s face was cherry red.
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
Kai woke up to the soft light shining through his balcony. He got up and peeked at Gaku sleeping before getting ready to take a short walk to clear his head. He drank a glass of water and headed out.
The street was dim with an occasional light on. Once in a while, he glanced at the name plates and heard snippets of conversations. The salty air calmed him down somewhat, but Gaku’s worried face never left his mind.
When he thought he wasn’t looking, he caught those small lapses of helplessness.
How can I reassure him? Even though I told him over and over I wouldn’t go off on my own, Gaku still wakes up in a cold sweat and checks to make sure I haven’t abandoned him.
But what he doesn’t understand is that I hid behind my recipes.
The beautiful displays, ingredients under the light of perfection, I stood a few steps behind because I didn’t feel it ever touched me. I’ve always been in the darkness chasing after happiness, basked in those rays that others seem to accept without question.
They don’t know how long I ran around to find herbs I had no money for or the envious remarks others used to stab their inefficiencies at me.
Still, when He took me in, I was even more on high alert. I didn’t want to cause him problems so I did whatever he said. No one would throw me away again. I stopped agonizing about how I ended up at the orphanage, but how to get out.
So I had to carve ways all on my own to get here.
Even if meant to cut Him off and push Gaku to the edge…
I pretend to not know that he searches for me whenever I go. My selfishness relishes it. I bathe myself in his attention like a constant taste I need on my tongue to keep me awake through this whole blur. He doesn’t know that I crave him in my blood because he cares about me for being ‘myself’.
But this ‘me’ still hates itself. If not, why did my body rebel against me?
It took away the one thing that defined every single fiber of my being.
There isn’t anything left to block me from facing myself.
Even as I peer into the ocean, the waves bob and in my mind, I’m shouting over and over into the void. My chest constricts and I’m drowning all over again. It’s been this way since I’ve learned to remember things.
I only took a breath because you’re here, Gaku.
But I don’t know. I only learned to truly smile because you’re around.
I don’t know anything about loving anyone. Sensei is the closest I’ve been to another human being. I thought that was enough since we humans can’t ever peer into the mind and assimilate into the body of the person they want to be with. Osmosis could never be that perfect, could it? Symbiosis is a dream.
Parasite is more like it. We keep giving until we’re completely empty.
I don’t want to ever give him up.
So even if I don’t understand, I want him to stay with me as long as we can be together.
This is why I slip to visit the ocean at night.
Squatting and touching the water with a flat palm, Kai closed his eyes. The liquid felt cool and refreshing. Gradually, he found himself smiling wider and wider.
For me, this is you, Gaku.
“Kai!”
Turning around, Gaku ran towards him.
“What happened?” He hugged Kai fiercely, his heart beating every which way. “I saw you out here from the roof.”
/”Why do you push me so far?! I don’t want to be here if you aren’t with me!” Falling to the ground, Gaku sobbed while gripping onto the dirt. He was spent from all my little tests to get him to leave me behind and return to Tokyo.
“I wanted you to see me. Is my talent all you wanted? Just what you could offer? How could you leave me alone in your own house and give me everything?! This makes no sense to me!!!”
“I passed onto you what I thought I could give this world since I thought I could no longer continue, but…”
He was bewildered as he glanced up to see me wiping my nose as tears were on the brink of raining.
“…you returned it all to me even more beautiful than before. And gave me a place to return to if I needed to rest. Somewhere in my heart I knew I had to wait for you.
After all, since the moment we met, I bet on you.”/
It’s not talent, but giving everything and of course, it isolates you.
But it won’t truly abandon you. Somewhere, someone is listening to your voice and working towards you. So thank you for listening to me and appearing whenever I need you.
I didn’t know finding you meant saving myself.
And I am sure I never imagined I would’ve survived and become this happy now.
“I didn’t mean to just-“
Elated, Kai lifted his hands up to squeeze Gaku back.
“I have these nightmares. I don’t know what to do with them. I keep on searching for you, but you keep escaping. So I keep checking to make sure you’re there. I’m sorry if it sounds creepy. I-“
Hugging him even more, Kai shook his head and smiled. “I know. For a long time now, I’ve known I couldn’t go too far from where you’re standing.”
He pointed his head towards their building, the house above with the restaurant below. “I picked that place so that you’d be able to find me if I needed to walk here. I thought of that ever since I strolled on this beach, stood here and saw that house.
I needed you in it, you see?”
Stupefied, his mouth hung open with his heart ready to burst.
“Don’t you know me by now? I’m obsessed over you too, Gaku.”
Kai pulled him closer until their lips met. He could feel Gaku’s tears touching his cheeks.
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
The next day, Kai was in the kitchen making breakfast with the notebook open. Gaku came over and without missing a beat, slipped behind him and buried his face into the crook of his neck with the happiest grin.
He held out the scarlet notebook, the one reserved only for Kai, and showed him an organized chaos of numbers with values that Kai couldn’t quite understand. Puzzled, he watched Gaku’s beaming face.
“Translate?”
“From these ingredients, they theoretically mean ‘you’. If I had created you myself, this is how I would have composed you. These are the ratios of what I think would fit and here are the list of ingredients-“
Kai let out a small laugh.
“What?”
“Wait here.”
“Was it too weird? Are you upset?”
“Tsk tsk tsk.”
Kai composed a lovely handwritten letter and stuck it to the signboard outside. Satisfied, he wiped his hands, closed the door, and turned off the lights of the restaurant.
“What are you doing?”
“We’re closed for the day. C’mon.” Kai pulled Gaku’s necktie off and then grabbed his hand.
As they walked up the stairs, a confused Gaku followed with Kai grumbling, “We should have done this way way WAY earlier.”
“What exactly-Mmm…”
“Wait, Gaku! What are you-“
“You started it.” He gave him a deadly serious stare, the kind to consume instantly.
Kai smirked with his eyes squinting in delight…
*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/
The warmth of the late afternoon sun with the soft breeze came in through the balcony.
A sleeping Gaku had his arms wrapped over Kai’s waist, who was sitting up regarding his sketches against Gaku’s formula of himself. Then, he flipped through the pages trying to absorb what he could learn.
There was a note on one sheet that said, “Perfection doesn’t seem to be an ‘ultimate’, as in one answer. If that were the case, wouldn’t that mean ‘infinite’? And if that were true, that means that there are many pathways that lead to that infinity that goes on forever?
They continue someplace we cannot see, but they exist anyway.
I wouldn’t have thought this way if it weren’t for you. I would never have discovered the different ‘me’s’ that lived within my body and could exist simultaneously.
That I could fall in love with Mathematics over and over everyday and within using my own hands is very fulfilling and fun.
So for me, you’re perfect, Kai.”
As he read this confession, convoluted as it was, its innocence touched him in a way that he’d never known except through inventing dishes. His eyes started to mist over as they fell over Gaku’s content face.
Kai leaned over and hugged him, finally finding peace within himself.
The headaches and everything else is bearable because you’re here.
Whether you admire or see me as your rival to discover new techniques and recipes, I know that it’s all for me. I want you to surpass me someday, but at the same time, I’m doing everything to make you chase after me with all your might.
For as long as I can…
So even with all my doubts and my decaying body,
from the bottom of my soul, I know
you were made for me.
Owari. / The End.
--
Author’s note: Fermat no Ryouri easily became one of my favorite dramas. The acting was amazing, but I’m always attracted to eccentric characters and this couple, whether or not it is official, is quite sweet. And that taste has stayed with me for a while, nine months later. I wanted to write it for it and did a draft, but it didn’t seem filled in yet so I’ve waited for it to call me back until a few days ago. Then, I found what I needed.
That and the fact that I found a good font I’d wanted to write with. Although it’s reformatted on ffnet and AO3 (or any other site I put it on), I always write with the font reflecting the story’s mood. Experimenting on what I can do with print (electronic or analog) is a challenge I’ve taken every time I write something, whether or not it’s ever seen by anyone but me.
I’ve been blank for a while because I broke. I didn’t give up, but my brain couldn’t wake up for a few months. I was in a deep haze. Putting my thoughts into words became too overwhelming. But this very piece has helped me a bit to navigate through the emotions I wasn’t aware of.
I hope you liked it and thanks for reading!
Love always,
Yui
5/18/2025 12:54:09 AM – Los Angeles
5/19/2025 04:54:09 PM – Tokyo
